real life conversation

Girl: Are you OK?

Guy: ... Eh... Yeah.

Girl: You just look like you're having a bad day.

Guy: Yeah.

Girl: What's going on?

Guy: Stuff.

Girl: Is there anything I can do for you?

Guy: Not really.

Girl: Are your sure? Because I'd be happy to help.

Guy: I'm sure. It's just... I have narcolepsy.

Girl: OH SNAP!


mixed emotions

There are a few celebrities whose deaths have hit me on some emotional level. Most were musicians: Layne Staley, Jam Master Jay, Elliott Smith, Brad Nowell, J Dilla, Johnny & Joey Ramone, Shannon Hoon. I seem to have a greater attachment to rock stars than movie stars.

Yet, today's news about Heath Ledger was a bit different. Heath was one of the few actors who I mildly respected. I'm not a "fan" but I've enjoyed most of his movies. There was something likable about him.

But I have mixed emotions. Tragedy? Yes. We don't need any more dead heroes. (I use the term heroes loosely.) Preventable? Most likely. Surprising? Not really.

I could write more, but the guys at To Write Love on Her Arms wrote an amazingly beautiful post on their blog. Please take the time to read it. I hope it encourages you like it did me. If you've never heard of TWLOHA, they are a non-profit organization that helps people fighting depression, addiction, cutting, and suicide. I would also encourage you to read their story. If you know some one facing these struggles, please show them love. It is the best thing you could do.

For those of you who are close to me, I don't say this enough. I love you. Thank you for reading for the last 2 & 1/2 years.



Everybody likes clowns... Right? As kids, we're told that we're supposed to like clowns; they should make us happy. When life is dreary and filled with melancholy, clowns can make it better. Their routines of mock panic, self-deprecating slapstick, and pantomimed absurdity is all done in the name of humor and goodwill. Isn't it?

According to some studies, the wigs, make-up, inflated jumpsuits, and ridiculously oversized shoes all hide something sinister - something that strikes fear into the hearts of children everywhere. A study in the UK surveyed 250 kids (between ages 8 and 16) about how they feel about hospital decorations. The survey revealed that kids are not that fearful of hospitals. But when asked if clowns are scary, all 250 of the children surveyed answered "yes."

Well, if I had have known so many of my peers were scared of clowns, I would never have worn that clown costume on Halloween when I was in fourth grade. If you were in my class and I condemned you to a lifetime of therapy, I sincerely apologize.

Why are clowns frightening? While pondering this question, let me remind you of a classic Deep Thought from Saturday Night Live: "To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kinda scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."


yeah, that's about right

What Be Your Nerd Type?
Your Result: Musician

Doo doo de doo waaaa doo de doo! (<-- That's you playing something.) Everyone appreciates the band/orchestra geeks and the pretty voices. Whether you sing in the choir, participate in a school/local band, or sit at home writing music, you contribute a joy to society that everyone can agree on. Yay! Welcome to actually doing something for poor, pathetic human souls. (Just kidding.)

Social Nerd
Literature Nerd
Drama Nerd
Gamer/Computer Nerd
Artistic Nerd
Science/Math Nerd
Anime Nerd
What Be Your Nerd Type?
Quizzes for MySpace


One complaint... then I'll get off my soapbox

Spokane's River 99.9 needs a new Saturday night DJ. Saturday nights are most likely the only time during the week that you could hear a song from Blink182. Not a big deal until the DJ dedicates the song to her brother - who loves rap music but somehow is into Blink182.

Once I recovered from the taste of nausea, the DJ announced the next song: Stone Temple Pilots' Sour Girl. She described Sour Girl as one of her favorite STP songs, and one of the most underrated/underplayed songs from their vast catalogue.

You have horrible taste in music if Sour Girl is your favorite STP song. First, the song was completely over-hyped (which is probably the reason that it is under played, not to mention - there are better STP songs to choose from). Second, Sour Girl is nothing more than a sad rehash of the far superior song Lady Picture Show from their previous album. Well, I am biased... Lady Picture Show is one of my favorite STP songs.

Anyways, aside from her poor taste in music, 99.9's Saturday night DJ has a flat and dry voice; she's boring. Radio stations can not afford boring.

OK, I'll get off of my soapbox now and stop judging people for their inferior musical preferences.


Presidential endorsements

True fact: Chuck Norris is endorsing presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee.

Chuck Norris fact: If Huckabee loses, Chuck Norris will reward him with a roundhouse kick to the face.


toilet paper

There is a business man sitting in an airport bathroom stall. The airplane food (if you can call it food) is going through him like bulls running in the San Fermin Fiesta in Pamplona Spain. His bowels are suffering from a bad food reaction, his fear of flying, and an even greater fear mid-flight porta-potties.

Knowing he might be there a while, he cracks open his laptop and connects it to the airport's wi-fi. While he's occupying the porcelain throne, he might as well keep himself occupied and get some business work done - killing two birds with one flush.

As he reaches the end of his digestive cleansing, he makes a horrifying discovery: the toilet paper dispenser has been emptied of it's needed supply of Charmin Ultra Soft.

The business man makes a panicked search for a suitable TP substitute, rummaging through his carry on luggage which he happened to bring with him into the stall. (Remember - you are not to leave any luggage unattended at any time in any airport.) The closest thing to toilet paper to be found is a Stephen King paperback purchased in an airport gift shop before boarding the flight with lactulose-laced trail mix. He declines using the novel for two reasons: he's only read a few chapters (it's a really hot summer in Castle Rock and Cujo just killed Gary the drunk - he can't wait to find out what will happen to Joe Camber!). The other deterrent is a superstitious feeling that using the pages of Cujo as rear end relief could invoke a hideous poop-monster worthy of Stephen King's macabre imagination.

He continues to dig through his man-purse - finding nothing helpful. An iPod, deodorant, a toothbrush (but no toothpaste thanks to airport security), a Nintendo DS he "borrowed" from his 12 year old son... all hope seems lost.

Years ago he would have tapped his foot to gain the attention of the person in the neighboring stall, but a certain Idaho senator has exposed a social hierarchy of airport bathrooms that he with which he wishes not to become involved. Same for waving his hand under the dividing wall between the stalls. The only thing that could be more humiliating than enduring tread marks in his boxers while sharing a taxi ride with his boss would be an airport bathroom arrest for solicitation or lewd conduct.

Nearing desperation, the business man notices a new message in his Outlook inbox. It is from a coworker with the subject "HAHA - Funny." He opens the email and clicks on the link provided: papertoilet.com.

At first he thinks it is a vicious insult. But as he falls prey to a dehydrated stupor and paranoid delusions, he begins to see the link as a godsend. Or creative alternative.


Random Tidbits for a New Year

1. Christian has a new phrase: "I don't think so." This phrase comes into use when asking him what he wants. For example, he used it when picking out his breakfast this morning. "Do you want Kix?" I ask. "I don't think so." "How 'bout Mini Wheats?" "I don't think so." OK, one more try, "Do you want toast?" "No," he says "I don't think so."

2. Speaking of Christian, he does not do well with open ended questions. Any time you ask him an open ended question, he turns it around and places the burden of answer on you. For example, ask him "What did you do today?" He will say "What did I do today?" Yet if you ask him a closed ended question (did you have fun today) he will assuredly give you an answer.

3. I love my Doc Martins. Ridiculously expensive, but well worth the investment. I've been wearing these things for about four years and they've held together better than any other shoe I've ever owned. One down side, they have no traction. None. I was wearing the Docs when I fell on the Resort boardwalk before Christmas. And I was wearing the Docs again this morning when I slipped in the driveway.

4. Speaking of falling... I hurt. I'm confident that I might have bruised my tailbone, but I think I might have pinched a nerve or something; my back is killing me.