Looking for Care in All the Wrong Places

A few weeks ago, I bumped into an old coworker at Walmart. Yes, Walmart. I don’t like shopping there but it’s the closest store to our farm and they usually supply what we demand so funds are exchanged for goods. It’s capitalism 101. Hate it as much as you want, Walmart won’t cease to exist if my family stops shopping there. This is not a story about the deeds or misdeeds of America’s largest brick and mortar retailer. That’s a conversation for another time.

Rather, it’s a story about how we got here. A consumer and an employee, both former colleagues and cogs in a machine who have found peace and happiness in new and wildly different machines. Our former lives were spent within the confines of a call center. He a supervisor and I an administration analyst. We were both in leadership roles, the only difference being he had direct reports and I did not.

For those of you who are not familiar with the term, call centers are businesses with one sole purpose - to be the telephone point of contact of a multitude of industries. From your bank to your utilities, airlines to insurance, and everything in between. If you call the 800 number advertising “how’s my driving?” on the back of a semi truck or the “dial for assistance” sign when stuck in an elevator, those calls go to a call center. Inbound and outbound calls, customer service, collections, telemarketing, tech support, all of it is call center work. As long as people want to know why their bill is so high or complain when things aren’t working like they should, there will always be a demand for call centers.

During the course of my professional life, I’ve worked in three different call centers - a major television provider, a credit card company, and a telecommunications corporation. Not everything I endured was bad; my experiences varied from curious sheer luck to something torn from the pages of Dante’s Inferno. Most people I know who have suffered call center work probably identify with the latter - it’s pure hell.

As an industry, call centers have a 30-40% attrition rate. Out of every 100 employees that get hired at a call center, 30 to 40 of them quit or get fired within their first year. There are some call centers with 100% attrition rates, constantly striving to backfill vacant positions. I’m not sure what the attrition rate was at my office, but I do know the “now hiring” sign out front was never taken down during the seventeen and a half years I worked there.

There was a recurring joke I told throughout my tenure: “By the time I finally quit this place, I’ll be able write a book filled with true stories so outlandish people would think it’s fiction.” Now that I have quit, I feel like there are some big expectations to fulfill. I might write that book some day. Oh the stories I could tell. Tales of drugs, sex, lies, murder, nazis, theft, and the pain caused when general incompetence is given the reins of power. All in due time.

Back to Walmart.

I was making a late night venture to pick up some bird grain and pig feed. As I walked from the pet food isles toward the grocery department, I noticed a familiar face stocking the shelves with paper towels. Just a glance but I kept walking as my brain tried to reconcile a Walmart uniform covering the body of someone I’m used to seeing dressed in business casual. Once my synapses realized the unmistakable face I spotted three steps behind was indeed who I thought it was, I pumped the brakes in a cartoonish halt, then walked backwards to make sure I wasn’t imagining things.

“Howdy stranger,” I said.
“Oh hey.” He replied.
“How long you been here?”
“Oh, I quit (the bad place) shortly after you did.”

He went on to tell me Walmart paid him the same salary he made as a supervisor and he didn’t have to worry about making his incentives every month. Less stress, no longer responsible for the management of a large team of employees, a schedule that fits his personality better, and he makes the same amount of money.

Some people would look at what he did as a step backwards. It’s easy to make that assumption. From a supervisor with some degree of control and influence to throwing freight and stocking shelves at Walmart with no control or influence. But if I were honest, that night in Walmart is the first I’d seen him smiling in years. Abandoning misery in exchange for better mental health is never a step backwards, even if the peace and happiness is found inside Walmart’s evil empire.

This weekend, my wife had some abysmal interactions with call center employees. It was a (more than) 12 hour ordeal with our road side assistance company attempting to get our van towed to the tire shop after one of her tires blew out on I-90. One guy tried telling her our policy didn’t include towing (which it does), one dude sounded like he was so stoned he probably couldn’t read the script on his computer, and a few of them had accents so thick they couldn’t be understood. She was hung up on twice - once after asking for a supervisor. And she had to explain to at least six different people her vehicle was parked on the side of the freeway - all were confused because we couldn’t provide a specific street address.

At the end of the saga, my wife was in tears. “No one cares.” She said, “No one gives a damn that I have to get to work today or that I have kids, or that we had plans for things to do and that they could be ruining those plans. They don’t care. Nobody cares.”

She’s correct. They don’t care. It’s not their job. Even if it was their job to care, they don’t get paid enough to care. How do I know? Because I wasn’t paid enough to care either. Same for my former coworker who’s now found bliss stocking shelves at Walmart - he wasn’t paid enough to care.

This is what customer service looks like within the confines of unfettered capitalism. Capitalism doesn’t care about hurt feelings, it cares about money. Capitalism doesn’t care about consumers, it cares about shareholders. Capitalism doesn’t care about doing the right thing unless the right thing earns a profit.

At the end of the day, whether you’re a customer calling in for help or employee clocking off to go home… Call centers are a business and businesses exist to make money.

There are several ways that call centers can increase revenue.
• Leaner statistics. Shorter call handle times mean more calls are getting answered. More completed calls are generally better for the profit line. As a result, call center employees are incented to reduce the amount of time they spend on the phone with you; the more complex your issue the less interested they are in helping you. It is more fiscally responsible for call center employees to handle the next customer in line then it is to resolve their current customer’s reason for calling.
• Reduce overhead. Computers are expensive to fix and replace. Most call centers operate on equipment that would’ve been cutting edge a decade ago, using outdated software that can barely keep up with today’s technology, and equipment is constantly breaking. If you call anyone in customer service and they apologize because their computers are “updating” that means something is broken. None of this would be a challenge if IT departments were fully staffed. Unfortunately IT support is also an expense. Telecom, tier 1 and tier 2 support, desktop and software support, programming - call centers everywhere are intentionally short staffed in their information technology departments.
• Eliminate non-essential staff. Who is non-essential in call centers? Everyone who doesn’t take a phone call. Trainers, human resources, quality assurance, janitors, receptionists. These roles are pure expense to call centers and nothing they do makes the business money. These days, call centers operate with a skeleton crew everywhere except the call center floor.
• Remote hiring. One of the benefits of the Covid pandemic was the growth in work from home availability. Unfortunately, not everyone is good at working from home. Productivity is often lower for remote employees compared to those working on site. Supervision and accountability is also more difficult when employees are not working in the office.
• Skimp on education. It costs money to train people. Less time spent in new hire training means it’s less expense to hire new employees. Companies are interested in getting butts in seats faster even if that means employees are less prepared to handle calls, less knowledgeable, and more prone to making mistakes.

Take these considerations then add the stress of constant belittlement from both customers and managers, all for low wage compensation. Call centers don’t pay more than they have to. But they often pay enough to trap people. That’s the idea that you’re not qualified for a better paying job but if you did get a different job, you’d probably have to take a pay cut. Somehow, I got lucky and found a better job for better pay. My former colleague found similar luck at Walmart.

Sorry this tale didn’t include anything salacious. It was rude of me to tempt you with such possibilities. Maybe next time. Still there is a lesson to be learned, a moral of the story. If you’re looking for someone to care about your circumstances, call centers are the worst possible location to find that level of concern. I assure you - they most definitely do not care about you.

The Bugler

Imaging being smart enough to understand the intricacies of the second amendment and self defense laws. Imagine possessing the intelligence required to admit to killing others, covering up their deaths, disposing of evidence, and getting away with murder. Imagine for a moment you’re a prodigious genius patriot superhero of your own domain warding off home invaders and petty thieves who thrive in your crime ridden corner of suburbia.

Then imagine being so brilliant and yet you’re incapable of spelling the word burglar.

found on twitter

Disclaimer: I am not a masterful speller. As a kid, I flunked a majority of my elementary school spelling tests. I was the kid who disqualified himself in the first round of every spelling bee. Spell check exists for people like me.

Throughout my formal education, English classes were my worst subjects. These classes routinely garnered the lowest grade on every report card. My 10th grade American Literature teacher would be horrified to learn I’m a writer today.

I am not a grammar nazi either. The first draft of everything I write is ugly enough to make the most chill member of the grammar police cringe. This is why I submit my work through a couple rounds of revision and editing before it faces public consumption.

While I am rarely one to point out flaws in other individuals’ use of the English language, there are some errors that are too good to ignore. There are misspellings so divinely perfect it satisfies my appreciation of schadenfreude. Bugler is one of those fine examples. Even with my limited mastery of syntax and my fragile ability to spell, I still know the correct spelling is burglar.

But bugler? Sounds like how you would describe someone who is obsessed with insects but lacks any basic understanding of entomology.

Does mocking the individual who designed these decals and used them to decorate the entrance to his home make me a hypocrite? Yes. Does assuming the homeowner in question is a male make me sexist? Probably. Do I care? No. Any would-be burglar thinking of robbing this abode is probably smart enough to see the fool’s error. And they’re probably laughing at his folly too.

The Double Negative

After a disastrous summit in Helsinki, Donald Trump finally did something I never thought I'd see him do: he retracted his comments and admitted a mistake. Perhaps only because of the backlash. Accusations of treason from Democrats, liberals, and constant critics were echoed by supporters like FOX News pundits and GOP stalwarts. So, Trump took a mulligan.

“It's not really treason if I misspoke.” In this instance, "I misspoke" seems equal to "Please don't impeach me."

At the news conference, Trump said, "They said they think it's Russia. Uh, I have uh President Putin. Uh, he just said it's not Russia. I will say this, I don't see any reason why it would be." In other words, "My people said it's Russian, Putin says it wasn't, I believe Putin."

According to Trump, only one word was victim to his faux pas: would. What he meant to say was wouldn't. His (supposedly) intended statement was "I don't see any reason why it wouldn't be." Trump clarified it was "sort of a double negative."

Double negatives are common grammatical errors where two negative words cancel each other out. In mathematics, subtracting a negative number is the same as adding a positive integer or the negative number's absolute value. Language follows similar patterns. The negatives negate each other. When Pink Floyd sang "We don't need no education," the grammatically proper interpretation would assume they do need education. If someone tells you "You don't have to go nowhere," what they're really saying is you do have to go somewhere. Items described as not uncommon really are common.

Double negative trouble is that the speaker usually doesn't mean to contradict their own statement. Pink Floyd is declining a need for education. “Ain't no" is an uneducated method of saying "isn't." Double negatives only function like a true double negative when used to make a point. Like when I say I can't not write, I truly mean it's a thing I cannot not do. In other words, I must write. It's a part of who I am; if I wasn't a writer, I wouldn't be me.

There is reason to doubt Trump intended to use a double negative; no accidental slip of the tongue? It's possible, but I doubt it. I am skeptical for several reasons.

1. Putin was questioned if his regime meddled in the 2016 US elections. His answer didn't mention anything about meddling, only denied collusion. Then Putin offered to help Muller's investigation on the condition allowing Russian authorities to interrogate American intelligence agents. Trump called it "an incredible offer." If Trump genuinely believed Russia meddled, he wouldn't think allowing Russian authorities to help investigate Russian meddling is an incredible offer. If he trusted American intelligence over Putin's denials, Trump wouldn't be impressed by an offer that permits the interrogation of American agents by Russian officers.

2. When asked if he holds Russia accountable for anything, Trump answered, "Yes I do. I hold both countries responsible. I think that the United States has been foolish. We've all been foolish, and I think we're all to blame." This remark is just as offensive as Trump’s response to the carnage caused when neo-Nazis marched through Charlottesville. It puts all parties on the same level when one side clearly is more nefarious. If Trump genuinely believed Russia meddled, he wouldn't assign blame to both sides.

3. The double negative doesn't fit within the context of Trump's full response. Given the opportunity to denounce Putin, Trump said, "My people came to me. Dan Coats came to me. And some others. They said they think it's Russia. Uh, I have uh President Putin. Uh, he just said it's not Russia. I will say this, I don't see any reason why it would be. So I have great confidence in my intelligence people, but, uh, I will tell you that President Putin was extremely strong and powerful in his denial today." Let's place his misstated claim into the full statement.

"My people came to me. Dan Coats came to me. And some others. They said they think it's Russia. Uh, I have uh President Putin. Uh, he just said it's not Russia. I will say this, I don't see any reason why it wouldn't be. So I have great confidence in my intelligence people, but, uh, I will tell you that President Putin was extremely strong and powerful in his denial today."

Doesn't work. His answer began with opponents: his people versus Vladimir Putin. Then he said Putin denied it in an "extremely strong and powerful" way. Finally, the misstated statement was what Trump described as "the key sentence in my remarks." It was the most urgent thing he said, prefaced by the unnecessary phrase "I will say this," as if to say "this is important, you better be listening." The original makes more sense in context of the full statement than the corrected version Trump acquiesced. Besides, if Trump genuinely believed Russia meddled, it wouldn't matter how extremely strong and powerfully Putin denied the meddling.

4. Even when admitting he believed the US intelligence community, he added a caveat as if to say he might not believe them. In a meeting with GOP lawmakers the day after returning from Helsinki, Trump read a prepared statement: "I accept our intelligents community’s conclusion that Russia's meddling in the 2016 election took place. Could be other people also. Uh, a lot of people out there." (Yes, he said, "intelligents." There was even a pause between intelligent and the s to make it plural. Bygones.) Allegedly, he meant to say he had no reason Russia wouldn't meddle. Yet his statement was completely undone when he floated the idea that it could have been someone other than Russia. If Trump genuinely believed Russia meddled, he would place full confidence in the findings provided from all intelligence agencies without adding the possibility they could be wrong, no inclusion it could be other people or a lot of people. If Trump believed Russia meddled, he would admit it was Russia and only Russia.

5. His posture is one of defiance. The reading of the prepared statement clarifying his statement was super awkward, as evidenced by him saying intellligents instead of intelligence. It also shows the statement wasn't his idea. He was uncomfortable the entire time, sitting with a scowl on his face and his arms crossed in anger, like a petulant child giving a forced apology to an older brother for kicking him in the balls. In fact, the only time he appeared to be comfy in his statement is when he went off script. Then he sounded more assured and smug. Donald only acts like that when he's using his own words. If someone else wrote it, he sounds defeated like an obnoxious child punished for kicking his older brother in the balls. If Trump genuinely believed Russia meddled, he would say so with the same swagger and confidence he uses when speaking at rallies and in ad-libbed statements at press conferences. He wouldn't read it like a hostage under duress.

Trump revealed himself when he sided with Russia. Despite walking back on his comments, it's clear he still believes Putin. Does it matter? Probably not. Many of the Republicans who condemned his Helsinki performance are now acting like it's no big deal. If you believe his mea culpa, Trump's words and actions are irrelevant. He could say, "Yup, Russia did it and I don't care. Thanking him is patriotic." You'd reply, "Spasibo comrade."

Civility isn't Civil

In 1993, XL & Death Before Dishonor released a tragically underrated album - Sodom and America. Deep metal grooves with insightful and sometimes subversive hip-hop lyrics akin to Rage Against the Machine. One line from the song ‘Fatal Blow’ has stayed with me through the years: "I don't give none, but I demand respect." 1993 is also the year I endured the worst harassment at school. My experiences repeatedly proved XL's statement to be true. The biggest bullies on campus demanded everyone show them respect, often violently. Yet they refused to show others any level of respect.

Twenty-five years later, bullies haven’t changed, and ‘Fatal Blow’ sounds prophetic. Those who most often desire respect rarely treat others with courtesy. Those who virulently demand freedom of speech for their own beliefs or political stances tend to support suppression and censorship of other beliefs or political stances. Those who campaigned hardest for fiscal responsibility are also financially irresponsible. Those who most ardently expect transparency in others possess many secrets to hide. We have a President who values loyalty above all other qualities, yet he is loyal to no one except himself. And now those who act uncivilized are asking other people to act more civilly.

All because Sarah Huckabee-Sanders was politely asked to leave a restaurant. Suddenly, there's an outcry for civility. I don't want to discuss whether the Red Hen in Lexington made the correct decision. I don't care if doing so was or wasn't within their rights. My concern is with this concept of civility. Because I do not think it means what they think it means. Either that or civility isn't civil.

It's interesting how the people complaining loudest about a lack of civility were the same individuals who once wore t-shits with vulgar names to describe Hilary Clinton and joined the crowd shouting "LOCK HER UP." These are the people who cheered when Trump offered to pay the legal fees of any supporter who beat up a protester. When Trump bragged about sexually assaulting women, these people dismissed it as "locker room talk."

Now, according to these moral police, the Red Hen in Lexington needs a lesson in civility. So far, this is how these lessons have been presented:

• By waving a confederate flag in front of Red Hen.
• Throwing piles of animal feces toward the Red Hen while shouting "Make America Great Again."
• Writing zero-star reviews on Yelp to lower their average score.
• Writing zero-star reviews on Yelp for other Red Hen restaurants, even though those other establishments are not affiliated with the location in Lexington.
• Sending death threats to the Red Hen both in Lexington and other locations.

Let's be clear, if you must send death threats to those you perceive as offensive, you've already lost the argument.

photo courtesy of Washington Post

Maybe this is you. Perhaps you're concerned about a senior member of Trump's team being asked to forfeit her accommodations because of who she is and where she works. It's possible you might be thinking this flap at Red Hen highlights how much the civility of public discourse has eroded. If that is you, if you're now asking our society to become more polite and civilized, allow me to ask you a few questions.

Where were your calls for civility when Trump mocked a disabled reporter?
Where were your calls for civility when Trump called NFL players sons of bitches?
Where were your calls for civility when multiple women came forward with credible allegations they had been sexually harassed or assaulted by Trump?
Where were your calls for civility every time Trump insulted a political opponent?
Where were your calls for civility when Trump said the press was the "enemy of the American people" or when Secretary Sanders accused the press of intentionally deceiving American citizens?
Where were your calls for civility when neo-Nazis and white nationalists started marching in the streets with tiki torches? Or when one of those racists ran over and killed a protester? Or when Trump said some of those white supremacists were very fine people?
Where were your calls for civility when Trump used the term "shit holes" to describe a group of mostly African nations?
Where were your calls for civility when Trump backed a senate candidate who was facing several accusations of inappropriate sexual conduct with girls as young as 14?
Where were your calls for civility when you found out Trump's lawyer paid off a porn star to silence her claims of an affair?
Where were your calls for civility when Sarah Sanders claimed it was biblical to separate children from their parents? Or when she refused to answer legitimate questions? Or when she shut down a reporter because she thought he only wanted more TV time?
Where were your calls for civility when Trump and Sanders both blamed the Democrats for creating a law that doesn't exist?

The list of offensive things Trump has said, done, or tweeted is longer than the Appalachian Trail. His propensity to lie is staggering. The second-place competitor for the most frequent liar is Sarah Huckabee-Sanders. Whatever they're doing is the opposite of civility.

We have a misunderstanding of what civility means. Judged on recent cries for decency, it seems the current request is for people to be nice. If being civil means being nice, we need some history lessons. The Civil War wasn't civil. The Civil Rights movement wasn't civil. Civil disobedience is never civil. While the text book definition of civility hints at formalities of politeness and courtesy, the word's origin stems from being a good citizen. When a government grows corrupt or tyrannical, when institutional treatment of at-risk populations becomes inhumane or unbearable, when those in power abandon the norms of decency and civility, the most civilized thing for a citizen is to raise a little hell.

Former President, Franklin D Roosevelt, once quoted a Bulgarian proverb, "It is permitted in time of grave danger to walk with the devil until you have crossed the bridge." While there are many who would disagree with me, I believe we are living in an era of grave danger and we have some bridges to cross. The recent calls for civility from Trump supporters is like terrorists asking us to build bridges while they set explosive changes on the support beams. Some men just want to watch the world burn, so if we are to get to the other side of this bridge, we may need to walk with the devil. Or, as Jack Nicholson said while playing the Joker, "Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?" Well, I feel like dancing.

I will practice civility, but I won't be civil. If XL & DBD's song ‘Fatal Blow’ was prophetic, so was another tune from a completely different genre. A dozen years ago, Dixie Chicks released ‘Not Ready to Make Nice.’ What seemed so rebellious in 2006 is now an anthem in my summer playlist for 2018. Because, like the ladies from Dallas sang, I'm not ready to make nice or back down either. I'm mad as hell and don't have time to go round and round and round. I'll be civil, but I'm done playing nice.

You're concerned, I'm sure. You see my combative and defiant language here and suggestions about walking or dancing with the devil; you fear the worst. I can hear your voice asking, "But nic, what would Jesus do?" The Jesus I know told his disciples to be as shrewd as serpents and as innocent as doves. It's time to be a little shrewder. And if all else fails, flipping tables is still an option. So, you can take your hypocritical request for civility and shove it up somewhere uncivilized.

Morality and Where the Law Falls Short

In moral matters, the law is insufficient. The government cannot legislate good morality. They cannot pass a law to compel me to be a nice person. There are no statutes able to control thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes. While it is illegal to murder someone, being rude to a person instead of killing them is (and always will be) allowed.

Then we see events unfold like what happened in Charlottesville this last weekend. Permits were given to a hate group to gather and promote their racist beliefs - two rights that are protected by the first amendment. Many of them arrived armed, a right protected by the second amendment (according to law enforcement, event organizers encouraged demonstrators to bring weapons). This mix of white supremacists and self-proclaimed Nazis threw rocks and urine-filled bottles at police officers, they clashed with protesters opposing their hateful message, and one of them drove a car into a crowd of people in an act of terrorism.

After these types of tragedies, it is common to feel a righteous anger at the injustices in our nation. It is easy to get exasperated. We wonder how racism is still a thing. We ask, “Why do we let this happen?”

Unfortunately, we let this happen because we have to.

If I want the liberty to say whatever I want, then the same right must be afforded to those who want to say things I do not like or statements with which disagree. If I want the freedom to be critical of President Trump, then those who support him should have the ability to express their appreciation of Trump. If I wish to gather in my church and worship my God without the government's intervention, then those who worship other gods should have the same allowance. If I want the right to hold unpopular opinions, so should every other American, even if their opinion is as disgusting and vile as the white nationalists who organized and attended the ‘Unite the Right’ rally in Charlottesville.

There is a part of me who would love to see each and every one of them arrested and tried for some crime but I cannot escape the notion that the law allows them to be racist scum. As far as the government is concerned, they are free to be as bigoted as they desire as long as they do not violate any laws.

That makes it difficult for those of us who believe white supremacy has no place in civil society. It is a challenge for those of us who oppose seeing hatred and racism so easily displayed in public spaces without any legal ramifications.

Because there is no option for the law to curtail racism, I have a message for the Richard Spencers of the world. To the boys (and let's be honest, they usually are boys) like Jason Kessler, Peter Tefft, Peter Cvjetanovic, James Allsup, James Fields Jr, and Cole White.

Image courtesy of Us Weekly

If you want to be a racist clod, you are free to do so. I cannot stop you from hating the Jewish and black friends whom I consider family. I cannot prevent you from despising my Native American kids. I cannot force you to abandon your hostility toward my Latino coworkers, neighbors, and friends.

I cannot use the force of law to litigate your hatred out of existence. However, if you are free to possess and vocalize your intolerance and prejudices, I am also free to express my disdain and my revulsion of your beliefs. If you want to be permitted to espouse your discriminatory attitudes, then you must also endure those, like me, who wish to denounce and/or ridicule your xenophobia. You are on your own. You cannot be tried in a court of law, but you will be held in contempt in the court of public opinion.

You want respite? You want a reprieve? You want to avoid the natural consequence of your behavior? Well, in the words of Rage Against the Machine, "There be no shelter here."

Ugly Americans

There was an incident in Florida. Not the shooting at Pulse or the gator at Disney World. It should have been innocuous: a couple of dudes from Brazil filming tricks on self-balancing scooters known as hoverboards. Not a big deal, no cause for concern. Probably trying to be the next YouTube stars - inspired by people like Johnny Knoxville and Bam Margera.

What elevated their video from stupid tricks to an incident was the actions of a third party. An obese white woman in an SUV pulled to a stop in the middle of the road (blocking traffic) to berate the two boys in an onslaught of racist and homophobic rants. She assumed they were of Arab decent and were studying the flight patterns from a nearby airport to plot the next big terrorist attack. The worst part of her vulgar and belligerent verbal assault is that she lauded herself as someone who loved Jesus while these two boys were condemned to hell.

One of the two wannabe YouTubers filmed the exchange from his phone. A friend of mine shared his video on Facebook and I watched in shocked fascination like seeing a train wreck happen in slow motion. I couldn't help but think this woman represented everything that is wrong with America. Angry. Hateful. Xenophobic. Jingoistic. Arrogant. Ham-fisted. Obnoxious. Filled with blunderbuss. Generally unhealthy. Ignorant and oblivious. Granted, I know people like this are not symbolic of all Americans. I know they are a noisy and horrific minority emboldened by the flagrant violations of civility displayed by those who want to lead our nation. Yet they are the stereotype. They are the Ugly Americans our foreign friends think of when asked to describe American tourists.

Even worse, if you ask your atheist friends to describe how they view the average Christian, this woman is what they describe. Hostile, judgmental, hypocritical, paranoid, fearful, unintelligent, and rude. It grieves me to see displays like this - when people who claim to live under the banner of Jesus act in ways contrary to fundamental Christian doctrine. People like this Floridian woman fit the description of what Brennan Manning called the greatest cause of atheism:

When Jesus described the greatest commandment, He told us to love God with every element of our being. He then quoted Levitical law to describe the second greatest command: love your neighbor as you love yourself. I thought of those verses of scripture while watching the confrontation between this woman and the two guys from Brazil. Is this the kind of love that Jesus talked about? It can't be. Does this woman know who is her neighbor? Is she really loving them the way she loves herself? If so, she is abnormally self-loathing. Even if the worst of what she assumed was true, was she abiding by what Jesus instructed in the gospel of Luke? “Love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who are cruel to you.” How could she? There was nothing loving or good or prayerful about her stream of insults, profanities, and derogatory comments. If what the apostle John wrote about love is true – “whoever loves has been born of God and knows God and anyone who does not love does not know God,” then I find it unbelievable that this woman knows the God she claimed to love.

There was a part of me that wanted to share the video. I thought 'We should make her famous for all of the wrong reasons. Turn her into a sensation like the Chewbacca mom, but in reverse. She should be shamed and humiliated.' But I abstained. Here is why.

1. It was horrifically disgusting. I am not typically offended by foul language. One of the songs on the soundtrack to my life is Little Lion Man by Mumford & Sons, a song with a chorus that sings "It was not your fault but mine, I really F@#%ed it up this time." One of my all-time favorite movies is Kevin Smith's Clerks - they drop several dozen f-bombs in that script and I laugh. I hear vulgarities throughout the day almost every day and usually shrug it off. Even with my high threshold for what it takes to offend me, this woman exceeded it with gusto and kept going. The depths of her crudity was astounding - in casual obscenities, in racial and homophobic slurs, in her graphic depiction of sexual acts, in her relentless attempt to paint these two boys as terrorists and pedophiles. I know that many of my friends and family have more delicate tolerance for unwholesome talk than me; if I was offended by the language in the video, I know several who would be greatly appalled.

2. The altercation ended poorly. The Brazilian boys didn’t invite their attacker's verbal barrage. They didn't deserve it. I would expect them to respond defensively; that is the normal fight or flight response humanity has hardwired into our brains. When threatened, we either freeze or retaliate. These two boys fought back but they did not do so gracefully. In some ways, their response was just as ugly as the woman who started it. Instead of deescalating the situation, they riled the woman up even more. While I can't fault them, I don't applaud their actions either.

3. In light of the hate crime and terrorist attack in Orlando, the LGBT community is already fearful of people like this woman. They are hurt. They don't feel safe. They are scared. I've chatted with a few of my gay friends over the past couple weeks and they all have expressed similar emotions. The shooting in Orlando was terrifying, but many of the reactions from straight conservatives have been just as hurtful. Reposting a video where someone demonstrates so much vile hatred for my gay friends would only add insults to the injury they've already endured. I value their friendships too much to subject them to more contempt.

4. Would sharing the video make me any better than her? If I believe that the two Brazilians were what Jesus would say were her neighbors, then wouldn't she be my neighbor? If she failed to demonstrate love to her neighbors, then I would also fail to show love by sharing a video with the intent to shame and humiliate. If I am to live the way I believe God commands me, then I must show love to people I don't like, I must love people that offend me. Even if they are complete strangers. Honestly, I don't always get it right. Sometimes, I should show love and fail to do it.

5. There is enough anger and hate in our world. I really don’t want to add to the noise. If I am going to climb up on a soap box, I would rather shout about grace and reconciliation than to point at someone and say "Look at this fool." Instead I cling to the words of Martin Luther King Jr, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." When I fail to live up to the standard I proclaim, it is time I admit it like I am now and aim to do better the next time.

Teach your children well

When I was a kid, my mom's radio was almost permanently tuned to 97.3 KBSG, Seattle’s (former) oldies station. I was raised listening to the music of the 50's and 60's. Simon & Garfunkle, Aretha Franklin, Sam Cooke, The Righteous Brothers, The Monkeys, The Turtles, The Temptations.

There are a few songs I heard frequently enough that I can still remember every lyric despite not listening in years. One of those tunes is from Crosby, Stills & Nash: Teach Your Children.

I strive to do just that - to teach my children well. How to throw and catch a football (of which my daughter picked up quicker than either of her brothers); how to cook and use kitchen appliances; basic musical components of rhythm and melody; homework assistance in math and English; the quirky historical events you won't find in a text book; showing esteem to their elders; how to be a good friend to others; how to care for and enjoy nature; various theories about time travel and quantum physics; the joys of literature. My goal is to make sure my kids grow up to become well rounded and intelligent adults. I want them to be happy and healthy humans regardless of where their goals and dreams take them in this world.

While I get to teach my kids about the good in life, of hobbies and academics, of the wonders of the natural world and the possibilities of science, of God and hope and family, I also have to teach them about things that are not so happy. Because sexism and racism and homophobia are all still very real parts of our society. Because our communities are divided, bitter, and jaded. Because our nation is still struggling to find a balance in justice and human welfare and individual rights. Because our planet is constantly embroiled in warfare. Because their peers will struggle with addiction and depression. Because America is filled with greed and exploitation while the world beyond our borders face disease and poverty so incredibly difficult for us to comprehend. Because no matter where they go, there will always be bad people with evil intents.

We all know something needs to change. Many want to return to days of innocence and a better America of the 50s. And I could easily long to go back to the 80s and 90s thinking of how much easier life was back then. But I know that our longing for the past is tainted by a view through rose-colored glasses. We deceive ourselves with selective memories and revisionist history. We ignore the flagrant racism of the 50s, the sexual revolution of the 60s, the drug experimentation of the 70s, the proliferation of Wall Street greed in the 80s, the apathy and despondency of the 90s.

We can't go backwards. All we can do is change the future. The best way we can do that is through our kids. Give them the tools to heal the world. Give them opportunities to fix what we broke.

A couple of years ago, when #yesallwomen was a trending topic on Twitter, my first thought was that I didn’t want my daughter to grow up in a society where sexual assault and rape were so prevalent. Then I realized if I wanted that to happen, I needed to teach my sons to be better men. I need to raise my sons in a way that they do not perpetuate the culture of violence against women. I need to show my boys what it means to do the right thing. I need to make sure that my sons know sexual harassment and assault is a line that should never be crossed and that they will be brave enough to stand up to those who do cross that line.

My resolve was doubled during the gamergate controversy as internet trolls engaged in horrific stalking and harassment against women in the video game industry. My daughter loves playing video games and reading comic books. She is as big of a nerd as her brothers - possibly bigger. Unfortunately, there is a lot of misogyny in geek culture and gamergate demonstrated those biases in the ugliest ways possible. I want my daughter to find a safe and welcoming community among geeks. I want her to feel encouraged and supported studying STEM topics. I want her to be free to enjoy what she enjoys without worrying about asshole guys giving her a hard time for being a girl. But in order for that to happen, I need to teach my sons that girls can be geeks too. I need to show them how women make our community better. I need to encourage my boys to defend the rights of girls to play along in their world of superheroes, scientific experiments, and video game quests.

Perhaps this is what disturbs me the most about the news we have seen from Stanford. The Stanford campus averages one rape every two weeks. That was before Brock Turner was caught in the act and restrained by a couple good Samaritans. Perhaps this wouldn’t be news if it wasn’t for the inequality of our legal system, a system where the feelings and future of the perpetrator was elevated above those of the victim. We have seen a judge confirm the worst of what we believe about white privilege, the power of wealth, and preferential treatment given to those with athletic prowess.

As the days have progressed, I have watched an explosion of outrage, disgust, and cries for justice. Some of it aimed at Judge Persky as he cast blame upon a woman who was powerless to resist her attacker, sympathized with the rapist, and handed down a sentence that equates to little more than a slap on the wrist. Much of the ire is against the rapist’s dad, who penned a letter begging for leniency in his son’s sentence.

Regardless of how you feel about the events at Stanford, one thing should be clear. Dan Turner did not heed the advice of Crosby, Stills & Nash. He did not teach his child well. It is because of irresponsible parents like Dan Turner that I have to teach my daughter to protect herself from assholes like Brock Turner. I will have to teach my daughter to avoid boys who see women as conquests. I will teach her that she is loved and valued always. However, my daughter is not the only one who will be learning a lesson.

My sons will learn that they are always in control of their libido.
My sons will learn what consent means.
My sons will learn to own up to their mistakes. Because everyone makes mistakes.
My sons will learn that I will always love them and sometimes love allows the consequence of stupid actions.
My sons will learn that their privileges are not to be exploited but should be use to benefit those in need.
My sons will learn to treat women with gentleness and respect.

I will teach my children well. Even if people like Dan Turner do not.

When normal is big

A kid walked by me today carrying a regular sized can of Monster energy drink. I've never seen this kid before, but as he approached me he smiled as if I was a good friend of his.

He held up the can of Monster. In a voice that was somehow both raspy and squeaky, he asked me, "Have you ever seen one this big?" His question was clearly one of awe and wonder.

I didn't have an adequate response so I just flashed an awkward grin as the following thoughts raced through my cranium.

How do you follow up a question like that?
Yes, I have seen Monsters that big.
That's their standard size.
They make them bigger.
The kid is stoned.
He is higher than Snoop Dogg Lion at a hemp convention.
What - in the name of all that is good and holy - did I just witness?

The moment my face was out of the kid's line of sight my half-smile was replaced with an expression of extreme stupification.

When did normal become big? And when was that cause to be amazed?

Today, I am thankful

I consider myself blessed to have married an intelligent woman - a woman who is immeasurably smarter than the girl in this video. Although I haven't tested my theory, I am certain that my wife could accurately answer this man's question in 10 seconds or less.



ps, I hope watching this clip didn't lower your IQ. If it did, I apologize. Go watch some TED Talks and you'll feel better soon.



(Video found at Happy Place)

Recipe for a beautiful disaster

As I write this the Inland Northwest is blanketed under a lovely pile of frozen precipitation, Highway 95 is a mess, sections of I-90 are shut down due to spun out cars, and Spokane authorities are dealing with a 17 car pile-up on the South Hill. Ah, snow. The strange dichotomy of beautiful scenery and merciless carnage.

I'm not sure how much of the chaos could have been negated. It's not like we didn't know this was coming. It's not like every meteorologist from every major network predicted a hefty winter storm. Oh, wait. It was forecast. We had ample warning.

So, here's a five step recipe for disaster in the face of post-card worthy weather.

1. Wait until there is 4 to 8 inches of snow on the ground before reacting.

2. Keep plowing to a minimum. Allow local traffic to melt, compact, and/or slushify the snow covered roadways.

3. Do not sand. Avoid all de-icing measures.

4. Spend the day watching feather textured flakes fall from the sky while temperatures hover at 32°.

5. Continue to do nothing to improve road conditions as temperatures drop into the teens, turning every paved surface into a skating rink for 4,000 pound metallic beasts.

ps: if slushify isn't a real word, it should be.

Five for Friday: the problem with Westboro

For those of us living in the Inland Northwest, there has been a presence among us that has dominated local news for the past couple of days: Westboro Baptist "Church."

They've been protesting various schools in the Spokane/Coeur d'Alene area, reportedly attracted to our corner of the world by NIC's production of The Laramie Project. I had the displeasure of driving past their debacle during my morning commute to work and friends of mine have been posting pictures and comments on face book from the various counter-protests. And wherever WBC activists go, the counter-protests are sure to follow. As one friend mentioned, "it's nice to see them bring so many of us together for the same cause."

And the counter-protests here have been noticeable: 1200 at EWU, 600 at Gonzaga, a few hundred divided between the two high schools in Cd'A, and the Human Rights Education Institute was packed full of people this morning.

It seems that most everyone can agree on one thing: the members of WBC are ugly and vile people whose message of hate contradicts the message of the God they claim to worship. What people can't agree on is how to contravene their despicable acts. There seems to be four camps in anti-WBC strategies: 1) Ignore and/or do nothing, 2) Mockery or parody 3) Confrontation with anger versus anger 4) Vigils or alternative rallies at sites removed away from the WBC spectacle.

I don't think we've yet figured out the correct way to protest whatever it is Westboro Baptist is trying to accomplish. Unfortunately, I don't know if there is a right way. How do we combat shameless and unabashed hate?

There's a dilemma when dealing with WBC. We are presented five distinct problems that complicate formulating an appropriate resistance to their animosity.

1. The law is on their side. While their signs and methods are the clearest available example of hate speech, it is protected by the first amendment. As long as they are doing their business on public grounds (which they always are) and they never physically provoke others (which they never have), they're within their rights. The same provision that gives the rest of us freedom of religion and freedom of press also allows them the freedom of religion and the freedom to be offensive. The only debatable issue is currently being weighed at the US Supreme Court - at what point do their rights to free speech infringe on another's rights to privacy. Since standing on a street corner outside a public school doesn't invade anyone's privacy, there are no laws that they've broken. To further endear them in our hearts, Phelps is a former lawyer and most of his kids are lawers. They know what the law allows them to do and they know how to legally push their limits. It's constitutionally protected harassment.

2. They do not use logic. Their reasonings for picketing the varied schools here followed no logical order. Gonzaga was to protest binge drinking, stupidity, and "rampant fornication," among other things. They protested Moody Bible Institute because the future ministers there are really false prophets (false prophets because MBI does not preach WBC's "God Hates Fags" message*). Students at Whitworth University (according to WBC) spend more time pursuing "drunken sins than their academic studies." They were at Rogers HS because flipping off God has consequences. Eastern Washington University is a "cesspool." Cd'A HS because the faculty teach students to be "vain, selfish, sinful, violent, lusty, God-hating, brats." Lake City High School to remind people that there is a God. And Synagogue Chavurat HaMashiach because they're Jewish. The reasons they posted on their website and the corresponding scriptures they used to support their conclusions are the most nonsensical gobbledygook ever written.

3. They are conscientious tyrants. They operate under a guise of morality and they are convinced that they are acting on the side of righteousness. In God in the Dock, C.S. Lewis wrote, "a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies... those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience."** Fred Phelps and his congregation believe they are morally superior and that they are commanded and compelled to preach their version of God's will. They have dozens of selectively chosen scriptures that support the idea to hate evil and to hate the enemies of God then they've twisted those scriptures to fit their convoluted purpose. And they are justified in their actions because the Bible says they will be blessed if people hate them. Nothing will ever convince them that they are either oppressive or tyrannical.

4. They are glory whores.*** They crave the media attention as it helps spread their message. The more obnoxious or combative the counter-protests, the more the WBC people will feel justified in their efforts to preach against America. If gays and lesbians are predominant and vocal in those protests, WBC will be further convinced in their mission to condemn homosexuality. Confrontation accomplishes nothing beyond bringing more undeserved attention to WBC's mission of malevolence. Even peaceful protests further their goals because the attention is still focussed on how wrong WBC is. It is as if Fred Phelps lives by the motto "I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me." It is this quandary that should be most disconcerting to Christians, as the Bible tells us to do all things to the glory of God - yet the members of WBC masquerading in feigned Godliness are doing all things for their own glory.

5. Doing nothing is not appropriate. JFK once said, "the only thing necessary for evil to triumph in the world is for good men to do nothing." As Phelps's gospel of hate and vengeance is diametrically apposed to what the church should stand for (love your neighbors, love your enemies, a ministry of reconciliation, reasoning together, becoming all things to all men, that God is love) I can think of no other way to describe the members of Westboro Baptist other than evil. If we do nothing, if we say nothing... They triumph. They succeed. They win.


So I'm at a loss. Reason and logic are ineffective. Confrontation won't work, but neither will ignoring them. And we can't restrict or prohibit their venom through law. How do we overcome their hateful themes?



* I apologize for the offensive language. I find their flippant use of the word "fag" to be abhorrent. Unfortunately, there is no better way to expose their villainy than through their own words.
** You can read the full C.S. Lewis quote in context HERE."
*** I am sorry for the crass language. I was just being honest.

Five for Friday

This has not been a good week for Idaho. We've been in the news, and mostly for embarrassing reason. It's a good thing we have beautiful scenery, because the some of the people here are questionable.

Here are the five recent Idahoan headlines catching national attention that hurts my soul.

1) First one seems harmless, but it is a bit hillbilly.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

2) Next up, an unlikely vandal. The Condiment Lady

3) Tax dodging Hart. First news was that Idaho State Representative had $300,000 in new tax leans from the IRS. Seems he skipped paying taxes from 1997 through 2002 (finally paying in 2004) and he didn't file his 2003 taxes until 2005. Why? He thinks income taxes are unconstitutional. He even took it to court where it was dismissed by the Supreme Court. (Story HERE, and HERE) Then it comes to light that he also owes the state of Idaho $53,000 (which he's appealing to the State Tax Commission). This probably would not be as big of an issue if it wasn't for his position in the State Legislature. He serves on the House Revenue and Taxation committee (which should be some sort of conflict of interest). He's used his executive privilege of legislative session to delay the IRS in four of the six years he's worked for the state. And he blames his job with the state for his tax troubles. This is blatant tax dodging, as Hart's claims that (constitutionally speaking) the only things that are subject to taxation is property; yet he owns no property. Both his house and his business are set up in trusts under his daughter's name. In other words - he's hiding his assets for the sole purpose of avoiding taxes. We would vote him out, but the last time his name was on the ballot, he ran unopposed. (And to add insult to injury, his girlfriend was recently elected to the position of county commissioner in Kootenai County.)

4) Remember Edgar Steele? He was the attorney that represented the Aryan Nations in the 2000 lawsuit the bankrupted the organization. He also tried to represent the McGuckin family after their 2001 police standoff in Sagle. He's a known anti-semitist and much of his writings are laced with racist bile. Last Friday he was arrested in a murder for hire plot. According to witness testimony, Mr. Steel had a list of people he wanted killed - including his wife and his mother-in-law. Naturally, he's pleading "absolutely, completely not guilty."

5) Thought we were done with Steele? Nope. A pipe bomb was discovered on Tuesday at a Quick Lube near Fred Meyer. A stretch of Highway 95 was shut down for hours while the bomb squad was called in to investigate. Owner of the vehicle? Edgar Steele. Driver of the vehicle? His wife. Sadly, his "fans" are claiming Steele is being framed by the FBI because of his non-politically correct writings and his fight to stand up for the oppressed white people. Face, meet palm.

Welcome to Idaho. Don't worry, most of us are sane.

Big Trucks

Do you ever get stuck behind an annoying driver while on your way to work? (usually while running late)

I have. Big truck with out of state plates, driving a few miles per hour under the speed limit, swerving in their lane and frequently crossing the yellow line, erratic lane changes without using a blinker...

A few observations:

1) Flame mud flaps. Is that necessary? Oh well, at least it's not a naked lady mud flap or the SKIN logo.

2) Over-sized muffler. It's not really a muffler - it's just a section of the tail pipe that is bigger than the exhaust pipe. The only reason that people replace the stock muffler with those monstrosities is to serve one purpose: to be LOUD.

3) Those out of state plates... (I mention this solely for my lil sis) those are Oregon plates.

4) My final observation is hard to see in the picture (taken from my iPhone's camera) but was the most apparent feature in real life 3D - an absurdly high lift kit. The back bumper was eye level for me, and I drive an SUV with a high center of gravity. An adult of average height would have needed a step ladder (or a running start) to climb/jump into the cab - a hopeless feat for short people like myself. Truck like this are the reason that this facebook group exists. (warning, link contains salty language)

Brains, or Lack thereof

It’s been said that America is either in or soon facing a culture war. It’s a common concept and I am one that believes it to be true. However, I’ve come to change my thoughts as to which cultures are/will be at war.

The most widespread idea of a culture war is that it will be an issue of family values against Hollywood morals, or the religious right versus the heathen left. This may be true to some extent as various political advocacy groups are pushing for legislation to support gay rights or to abolish abortion.

I’m not going to propose an easy answer of how to approach any of these controversial subjects as I believe there are no easy answers. Naturally, the results will be swayed by the ideologies of whoever is in power, but there isn’t a single result that will please all of the population. So as long are we’re all in this together, there will be a significant portion of our nation that is unhappy with how this nation is led.

While opposing factions will continue to wage a morality war, there is another battle I fear is looming over us. This impending culture war is one (I hypothesize) of intelligence – real or implied. This is a new war: the dunces versus the elitists.

How sad.

We can see the opening battles of this war as congress treats its constituents with contempt (or at best, complete disregard). We hear bomb blasts in Sarah Palin’s remark “How’s that hopey, changey thing working out for ya?” Clashes erupt as a study shows The Daily Show with Jon Stewart is as substantive as traditional news networks. More skirmishes stem from Pew Research that shows the collective American knowledge is worse than it was ten years ago (the same study suggests that viewers of the Daily Show fared well when quizzed about politics and current affairs while FOX News viewers had some of the lowest scores when asked the same questions).

This war has hit home. A family friend who disagreed with some of my opinions in the past bombarded this blog’s comments section with repeated incendiary remarks. Even in a post that I admitted I could be wrong, she continued to harass me and leave hateful and hurtful comments. In a private e-mail to my wife she said that our (referring to both Bekah and me) educations have harmed us.

This intellectual war is viable in my community. Earlier today, in an online discussion, one individual referred to an Apple Store soon to open in River Park Square as “an elitist store for an elitist mall” and insisted that RPS is the “worst mall ever.” (I would contend that Silver Lake Mall is the winner of the worst mall ever award, but that’s a different story.) This comment about RPS led to a response from another local resident that sees RPS as the most pleasant mall to visit out of all of the malls in the Inland Northwest. That was all fine and acceptable until the originator of the elitist comment accused the other individual of being “uncomfortable around the poor people at the other malls.” What made this whole exchange bizarre was the false assumption that pleasant = for rich people while unpleasant = for poor people. And the person calling RPS elite referred to himself as the common man.

Common man? Sounds so familiar. TEA Parties claiming that they represent the common people. Hordes announce that they want to take their country back. And both sides hold stake that they’re the “real Americans.”

Who’s taking the country back? And from whom? And what makes one citizen any more or less real than any other American. All of this political bickering isn’t just sad. It’s sickening. And above all else, it’s dumb.

But now I need to qualify what is or is not dumb. Pat Robertson saying the Haitian earthquake is their own fault is dumb. Sarah Palin chastising a liberal White House staff member for using the word “retard” while praising Rush Limbaugh’s use of the same term is dumb. Watering down health care reform to please a group that wants to see HCR defeated is dumb. Telling “morans” to get a brain is dumb. Throwing plastic bags with racist propaganda into neighborhood yards is dumb. Paranoia is dumb. Mullets are dumb.

There are two sides to this culture war: intellectual vampires and intellectual zombies. Intellectual vampires thirst for knowledge (and I must specify that knowledge and wisdom are not mutually codependent qualities), and they feed off those they view as inferior. Their bite is scathing and they attack with vigor. Intellectual zombies have no brains, nor do they show any desire to acquire information. Their lack of sense is infectious and they spread their ignorance like an epidemic. Both sides insist that they are the representation (yet neither are an accurate depiction) of the common American. Unfortunately, talking heads from both ends of the spectrum insist that you join one or the other under the mantra “either you’re for us or you’re against us.”

I choose to believe that the majority of Americans are smart. Not geniuses, but not complete imbeciles either. We have a God-given ability to think and learn and reason. I trust that we all want our communities and our nation to be better than its current state. While normal people are making efforts to improve the world around them, we are bombarded by a war between egotists and idiots.

We are more than collateral damage. I propose three things that will help us survive this war between low intellect and high intellect.

1. Know your heritage. Know where you came from. This can be a tremendous source of strength and pride. Furthermore, respect for your own heritage requires a respect for diverse histories of your neighbors; both friends and strangers. It also demands an understanding of our shared heritage.
2. Desire something better than this. In what kind of nation do you want to live? Or have your kids raise their kids? Who would you rather lead us – someone smarter than you? Or someone not as smart as you? What scares you? What gives you hope? You need to be able to answer these questions.
3. Take action. Do something. Don’t just protest, contact your representatives. Get involved with organizations that have the ability to positively impact your community.

We’re better than this. We are capable of so much more.

The joy of Walmart

We’ve all heard the joke about Walmart. (and by we all – I can only speak for myself. You may have heard it.) I don’t remember it word for word, and it has a vague Jeff Foxworthy feel to it: If the biggest city you have ever visited is a Walmart… you might be a redneck.

There’s truth in that gag. The people of Walmart frighten me. If you need evidence to validate my trepidation, check out the People of Walmart website. (link in the sidebar to your right)

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that all of Walmart’s clientele are maniacal fashion deficient socially awkward hillbillies that got hit with both the stupid and the ugly sticks. I know these miscreants are a marginal representation of our population. The scary people at Walmart are much like crooked cops, and TEA Party enthusiasts; they are not the status quo. Yet they are the most noticeable - a vocal (albeit occasionally entertaining) minority.

On that note, I have a confession. I love the sweet & sour meatballs at the Walmart deli.

I don’t often get to eat them as I rarely visit Walmart. Part of my reasoning is the distance from my house to Wallyworld; it is not worth the drive for $2 worth of meaty goodness. The other part is my paranoid fear that I may be sucked in to the black hole that is the plumber’s crack of the frumpy guy in the checkout line before me – transporting me to a parallel universe of bright lights and automatic doors where half of the population wears blue vests and the other half like to buy their anti-depressants at the same place that they purchase their firearms.

If only there was somewhere else I could get those meatballs.

Is it irony, or hypocrisy?

A coworker sent me the following e-mail this past week. Actually, she didn't send it to just me, but to our whole department.

Advice From Snopes

By now, I suspect everyone is familiar with www.snopes.com and/orwww.truthorfiction.com for determining whether information received via email is just that: true/false or fact/fiction. Both are excellent sites. Below is their advice for us.

Advice from Snopes.com

1) Any time you see an E-Mail that says forward this on to '10' of your friends, sign this petition, or you'll get bad luck, good luck, or whatever,it almost always has an E-Mail tracker program attached that tracks the cookies and E-Mails of those folks you forward toThe host sender is getting a copy each time it gets forwarded and then is able to get lists of 'active' E-Mails addresses to use in SPAM E-Mails, or sell to other spammers.


2) Al most all E-Mails that ask you to add your name and forward on to others are similar to that mass letter years ago that asked people to send business cards to the little kid in Florida who wanted to break the Guinness Book of Records for the most cards. These
types of emails can come in many forms. All any of this type of E-Mail is, is a way to get names and ' cookie' tracking information for marketers and spammers - - to validate active E-Mail accounts for their own profitable purposes.

You can do your friends and family members a GREAT favor by sending this information to them; you will be providing a service to your friends, and will be rewarded by not getting thousands of spam E-Mails in the future!

If you have been sending out (FORWARDING) the above kinds of E-Mail, now you know why you get so much SPAM!

Do yourself a favor and STOP adding your name(s) to those types of listings regardless how inviting they might sound!

You may think you are supporting a GREAT cause, but you are NOT in the long run. Instead, you will be getting tons of junk mail later! Plus, we are helping the spammers get rich! Let's don't make it easy for them!

Al so: E-Mail petitions are NOT acceptable to Congress or any other organization. To be acceptable, petitions must have a signed signature and full address of the person signing the petition.

First of all, I must mention that it isn't bad advice... but there are a couple of flaws in logic.

Flaw #1: While the e-mail was titled "advice from Snopes" and included a link to Snopes, I have not been able to locate this advice on Snopes. That leads me to believe that the original writer of this e-mail was fabricating the information about trackers and cookies. The multiple grammatical errors in spacing and erroneous capitalizations also leads me to believe the source to be less than honest. (PS, Snopes is a phenomenal website and if someone sends you "facts" that sound too good to be true, it probably is - and Snopes can help you figure out if it really is too good to be true. Before you forward the free Ericsson laptop offer to your friends, check Snopes... there's no such thing as a free Ericsson laptop.)

Flaw #2: An apparent lack of understanding how internet cookies work. Cookies are used by websites - not e-mails. (Click here for a better understanding of cookies) The author also shows a complete lack of understanding of e-mail attachments, spam, and internet marketing. Either the person that wrote the e-mail is an idiot or assumes lower his/her audience possesses a lower IQ.

Flaw #3: I find a bit of irony (possibly hypocrisy) in an e-mail urges you to forward this ONE e-mail while instructing you not to forward e-mails to your friends and family. Really? "Hey, when an e-mail tells you to forward a message to 10 friends - don't do it. Now forward this to everyone you know." I love logic.

When you receive an e-mail that asks you to forward it to all of your friends, should you do it? No. Not usually. Unless it's really funny. Just think before you clink send. Don't avoid forwarding e-mails out of some false paranoid idea that you're going to start getting dozens of spam e-mails. There's one good reason not to forward junk mail: it will annoy your friends.

Happy (expletive deleted) job hunting!

Well, I'm off to a good birthday weekend. Bekah treated me out to a surprise dinner and movie, and our waiter also gave me a peculiar b-day surprise.

We've eaten at MacKenzie River Pizza before, and our previous visit was impressive: great food, boisterous atmosphere, stellar service, and reasonable prices. We figured it would be a great spot to return for my birthday dinner. We got most of what we expected - the food was still delicious, the atmosphere was just as casual, and it fit our budget. The service however was questionable.

Our waiter was (as Bekah described) a tool. College age kid with a frat-boy attitude who makes up for his lack of charm and good looks with swagger. I knew we got a dud from the moment he asked what we'd be drinking. He placed one hand on each corner of the table hovering over us - but significantly leaning toward Bekah. I figured he was trying to flirt (yet failing miserably).

Bekah: I'll have a Coke or Pepsi
Giant Tool: It's Coke.
Bekah: I'll take a Coke.
Giant Tool: K... (to me) And you?
Me: Thomas Kemper Cream Soda.
Giant Tool: I'll get those right out.
Bekah: I think we're ready to order, actually.
Giant Tool: (to Bekah) Great! What will you be drinking?
Bekah: (bewildered) Coke... we know what we want for food.
Giant Tool: Oh.

He takes our order and the food came out quicker than I expected. We talked and enjoyed the food. **I've now had the Hot Hawaiian and the BBQ Chicken pizzas and both are phenomenal.** The waiter stopped by a couple times to check how things were going.The last time he checked in he asked if there's anything else he could get us and Bekah told him that it was my birthday. The waiter dropped a dessert menu down on the table and told me I got a free dessert. Aside from the rough start (Bekah and I are sure he was trying to look down her shirt) things were going predictably superb. That is until the waiter delivered our check.

Bekah opened the black folder and scrunched her face in an unsettled look. "I don't think that's OK." she said. I asked what it was and she shook her head but then handed me the bill.

At the top of the receipt, the waiter chicken scratched "Happy mother effin' birthday."

No joking. I wish I was kidding.

Now, I have thick skin... so it takes a lot to offend me. And since my opinion of this dirt bag was low before he handed us our bill... his effin' well wishes weren't doing him any favors. I wasn't offended - just a tad surprised that anyone in the realm of customer service would ever speak to their customer like that.

We paid, and started to leave when Bekah started to think What if he did that to someone who would be highly offended by that stunt? She mentioned that we should have shown the receipt to the manager.

Hehe...

I couldn't resist. After all, I have a wicked vindictive streak. I walked back to our table and grabbed the receipt. I asked the girl at the front if a manager was available. She was cheerful and complied, gave me the manager's name and led me to him. I waited for him to finish talking to one of his employees.

Me: Hi, it's my birthday... actually, it's tomorrow. We just finished our dinner, and here is what our server wrote on our receipt.
Manager: (eyes widen as he reads the note) Wow... I am so sorry.

Bekah explained that it was a little offensive (to which he replied it was incredibly offensive) and that we would hate for him to do that to someone else. The manager - who had a weight lifter's build and looked like a bouncer - thanked us for not being angry. We weren't angry, but he was... I could see his bald head turning red.

He said he would take care of it and told us it would never happen again. Bekah tipped out of courtesy, but I have a feeling our former waiter got a stern tip from his boss... perhaps something along the lines of "go home."



Yes, we will return to MacKenzie River. The food is great. Better price and quality than it's neighbor Olive Garden. I won't let the one bad server ruin the restaurant for me.

Quote of the day

"You can give them a helmet, but they'd still lick windows."

Beware of large numbers of stupid people

Exhibit A: A Walmart in California viewed the crowd waiting for the midnight release of the Playstation 3 as an inconvenience. Some genius of the management kind decided that it would be a good idea to have ALL of the hopeful PS3 owners to wait outside. Pandemonium revolt ensued. In the chaos, clothing racks were toppled, products was dumped and scattered across the floor, police were called, and the store was completely shut down. Poor saps had to wait a little longer to make their longed for purchase. The store did not open until 7:00am.

Exhibit B: A Walmart in Wisconsin had a stock of ten Playstation 3's to sell at midnight. They had 50 people waiting in line. Only a minor problem with a simple solution. Store employees set out ten chairs and made an announcement that the first ten people to site in the chairs could purchase the new PS3. 40 people left empty handed, one of which left with a few less brain cells. In the mad dash to fill a chair, one customer ran head first into a flag pole.

Exhibit C: There are flyers advertising the 'tree of sharing' plastered in every nook and cranny at my work. The flyer in the elevator has a unique handwritten addition, explaining the purpose of the tree of sharing. It reads, "The tree of sharing is to give employees kid toys."... I always wanted kid toys! Do we get to pick for ourselves? If so, I want a Lite Brite.

Exhibit D: At a Walmart (noticing a trend) in Connecticut, a crowd of future PS3 owners were confronted by two gunman. One person was shot for not complying. Sorry, but this one is not as funny as the other two Walmart incidents. In fact, it is just not funny at all.

Exhibit D, A, and B

real life conversation

overheard near elevator...

older lady: So, was it a big gossip thing?

younger lady: No. Linda said that James said that...