3.18.2024

Home, Away, and the Weirdness of Being

During our last trip to Hawaii, my wife and I went on a late night walk along Waikiki beach. We stopped to dance when passing by a bar with a musician playing music on an out door stage, watched some fire dancers practice free from the massive daytime crowds, and lingered along the shore while the sound of waves filled the silence around us. Backlit by the vibrance of skyscrapers and hotels with the expanse of starry skies and endless ocean before us, we soaked up all we could get. There was a life giving energy to the moment, a breath to revive our weary souls.

With my arms wrapped around Annie’s shoulders she told me how the time we spent there felt more real to her than anything else. We conversed about how important these trips were to both of us to connect with each other. It was a reminder of why we work so hard and love the way we live. We both have wandering spirits, a wanderlust hardwired into our being. It’s more than existing as soulmates, it’s as if we were created to see the world together.

We know there is life after kids, a life approaching faster that we could ever prepare. When we travel, whether it is a weeklong journey or a quick weekend excursion, we get glimpses of the way life could be, or the way it was meant to be. It’s a preview of a future when we no longer have the worry of homework, softball schedules, school dances, and convincing kids the importance of personal hygiene and household chores. Our bucket list is perpetually growing and it is our hearts desire to continually find each other through chasing destinations.

Thing is, we are not wealthy people. At least, not financially speaking. We eat cheap. We don’t maintain expensive smoking and drinking habits. We pursue affordable entertainment options. If free is an option, it’s our preferred choice. When we leave town, we stay in low cost hotels. We get the the cheap interior rooms on cruise boats. We look for bargain flights. We pack snacks for road trips. Mock us for our thriftiness but our budget consciousness enables our ability to pursue our dreams.

We also know we are blessed. We understand our traveling hobbies are not options available to everyone. We are aware we live, work, and travel to places impacted by addiction and poverty. Annie is better at it than I am, yet we both endeavor to use our privilege to benefit others. Life is fragile and there is no knowledge more present than the fact nothing is promised. We enjoy these opportunities while we can as frequently as possible because we might not be able to do this forever.

We escaped home again this last weekend for a family road trip to Boise. Saturday was one of the best days I’ve had I a long time. We visited a zoo and a historical site. We stayed in a cheap hotel. I introduced them to my favorite Mexican restaurant. My eleven year old daughter begged me to take her to more museums. We learned new things, bonded over fresh experiences, found joy together, bought souvenirs, took goofy photos, and refreshed our weary souls.
photo courtesy of Andria Casey

Now we are home again. We have resumed the regular routines of day jobs and school. My body is worn but my heart is full. Walking around downtown Spokane this morning, I had a revelation similar to the sentiments my wife expressed in Honolulu roughly this time last year.

Our time away seems more real than our time at home. Walking around downtown Spokane this morning, I sensed this oddness deep in my bones. Real life feels weird. Road trips to Seattle, Portland, Boise, and Cheyenne; flying away to Florida and Hawaii; cruises to Alaska and the Bahamas - these trips tire is out but fill our hearts. When we go we are closer to who we are to who we are than the daily grind of earning paychecks of conversing with colleagues. Our family’s heartbeat is found in miles traversed. Granted, we must return. The income of day jobs and weekend gigs fund our dream life away from home. Still, every time we go somewhere it becomes harder to readjust to normal life.

Then again, I’ve been weird my whole life. It’s time to embrace the weird until we can go away again. And again. And again.

3.15.2024

The Disconnect and Ties that Bind Part Two

My maternal grandfather was genealogist. He started while he was still a teacher but his hobby became his passion after retirement. Not only did he track his own heritage as far back as he could go, he also studied the family trees of his kids’ spouses. He was fascinated by the family lineages of everyone he met. Thanks to his efforts, and the stories told by my paternal grandmother, I know as much about my family as possible.

I know my roots. I feel it in the lyrics of My Culture when Maxi Jazz raps, “Like a lifeline, I light lines ‘cause my compassion is deep for the people who fashioned me, my soul to keep and this is who I happen to be. If I don't see that I'm strong, then I won't be. This is what my Daddy told me, I wished he would hold me a little more than he did. But he taught me my culture and how to live positive. I never want to shame the blood in my veins and bring pain to my sweet grandfather's face in his resting place. I made haste to learn and not waste everything my forefathers earned in tears for my culture.”

From a passenger on the Mayflower, to Norwegian immigrants joining early settlers in Minnesota. The German, Irish, and Scottish ancestors. My distant Samoan cousins. Forefathers (and foremothers) who were farmers and pastors, advocates and survivors. Their stories twist my DNA and flow through my blood.

I know who I am. And yet, I don’t.

Comprehension of names, birthdays, occupations don’t tell a complete story. There is a limited amount to be learned from marriage licenses, immigration papers, and death certificates. I strive to leave a legacy worthy of my family but they are not my tribe. When my parents got married in the early 70s, they began a westward migration. I grew up completely disconnected from my heritage. Between my dad being a workaholic and our family living below the poverty line I barely knew my aunts, uncles, and cousins. I rarely saw my grandparents. My familial tribe had communities in Cheyenne and Oklahoma while I was the left coast stranger in the Emerald City suburbs.
image courtesy of the City of Marysville

My being is more defined by coming of age as a Seattleite during the grunge era than by my heritage. There’s a playlist in Spotify serving as the soundtrack to my life which will tell you more about who I am than you could learn from anyone sharing my surname or my mom’s maiden name. Separated from those clans, I had to find my own tribes.

I’ve been pretty open about the state of my childhood. It was not an enjoyable experience. I am still struggling with the trauma of being a bullied kid, of poverty, of undiagnosed mental illness, of religious fundamentalism. Finding my tribe was not an easy task.

On a five hour road trip with my dad last summer, he admitted his greatest fear while I was a kid was that he’d lose me. Which brings me back to the 1 Giant Leap song. In the second verse, Robbie Williams sang, “Hello Dad, remember me? I'm the man you thought I'd never be.” Then continued, “I'm the one who you told look don't touch. I'm the kid who wouldn't amount too much.” My parents didn’t think I’d ever be much of anything because they didn’t know if I’d survive long enough.

My father is a smart man. He could see my symptoms of depression before I recognized them myself. He knew the degree of which I was bullied and abused by my peers and didn’t know how to help. He watched as I slowly faded into the background and was terrified I’d become a suicide statistic.

I was raised in the boys will be boys era. When the kids who got their asses kicked were given the same punishment as the kid who dealt the ass kicking. When autism and neurodivergence were woefully misunderstood and under-diagnosed. When kids with learning disabilities were treated like bad students. When kids were better seen and not heard. When terms like nerd and geek were still vindictive insults. And I suffered all of it. If you ask my wife, I bear the scars and some of the wounds have yet to heal.

The saddest aspect of my lonely story is how the one place that should have been safe for me, the place that should have been most welcoming was just like everywhere else. My church should have loved me the way I was, the way God created me, but they could be just as hostile and ostracizing as the kids at school. Nowhere was safe.

So I found my tribe with the freaks and geeks, the outcasts and underdogs, the athletically un-gifted, the last ones picked, the tortured geniuses, artists and music makers, agents of chaos, the misunderstood wanderers, and anyone who never fit in or felt like they belonged.

A funny thing about life stories: they don’t always follow the hero’s journey. Life isn’t a three act play hitting all of the beats of plot and structure. There are unexpected turns warping our expectations. As the adage says: truth is stranger than fiction.

The church youth group of my youth wasn’t the happy home it should have been, but it was still home. No matter how desperately I tried, it was clear I was never going to be a part of the in crowd. However I was still in the crowd. Years, distance, and education have provided me a new perspective on this weird little tribe of teens inside our religious subculture. I am much more forgiving these days and a lot less desperate to fit in.

Because humans are tribal by nature, we always look to the best and strongest and bravest to lead and protect. In our strange tribe, that bigger stronger leader was never going to be me. It was a sociological impossibility. I was short, uncoordinated, poor, not conventionally attractive, and socially awkward. I was a weird little dork. Through time and space I’ve also come to realize the teasing they foisted on me wasn’t all mean spirited. Obviously some of it was, but some of it was good natured too.

I no longer blame them for their cruelty. It’s hard being a teenager. While I wasn’t like them, according to science we were identical. We were undergoing physical and neurological changes, our brain chemistry and hormone levels were constantly in flux, the rules transitioned from how we were treated as children to the way we would be treated as adults, culture around us was shifting throughout the 90s. We were all trying to find our place while figuring out who we were and how we related to each other all at the same time. It would be unrealistic to expect any of us to navigate such a confusing era with grace and perfect kindness.

Looking at that time of my life in the rear view mirror, once again I feel disconnected. Because I left. I got out. I moved away. All of those kids who were once my church family are practically strangers. They’re now pastors, teachers, missionaries, community leaders, realtors, mechanics, engineers, and doing their own things with their own families.

I don’t miss being the weird kid. I don’t miss the way my peers treated me like I was a second class citizen. I don’t miss being overlooked and maltreated. But I miss them. I miss the community we had. Despite the pain they caused me, I love these people dearly. In the midst of what was a tumultuous time of my life, my happiest memories all involve my youth group tribe. I will forever be bound to them through the shared experiences of our formative years.

Every now and then, I wonder if it would be feasible to get the old gang back together again. For us to collect in one place one last time. Jimmy and Sue. Kari and Dan. Shane. The twins. Megan. Nikolai. Pike. Nettles. Jennifer. Travis. Erin. Marcus. The younger siblings (Chris, Nathan, Adam, and Chad). Perhaps we could gather together a Dennys, order coffee and fries, chat for hours, then leave our tip among the avant-garde displays made from salt, pepper, ketchup, and coffee creamer. Like we used to do.
Sure, such a reunion is logistically impossible. But it could be fun. I am curious what it would be like to see them all again. If for no other reason, I’d want to do it for my culture.

3.14.2024

The Disconnect and Ties that Bind Part One

In the earliest records of human history, people formed in tribalistic cultures. Families, tribes, sects, and clans. Every ancient society on every continent has documented their beginnings in small groups warring over limited resources of food, water, clothing, and shelter. Whether nomadic or settled, humans coalesced into factions based on shared values and lineage.

For thousands of years, humanity flourished in tribalism. This gave us the epic tales of folklore. In them we find the gods and legends of Egypt and Greece; tales of heroes and dragons; adventures, explorers, Vikings, and warriors. The earth experienced plagues and cataclysms, but its inhabitants endured because their tribes were united with common purpose.

Neighboring populations didn’t always get along so the survival of our clans depended on the biggest, the bravest, and the strongest among us to lead, guide, and protect us from those who wish to do us harm. We looked to the smartest and most beautiful to continue our bloodlines. We created popularity contests out of necessity because their success meant we could live and hopefully thrive.

From the indigenous populations of Australia and America, to the biblical Israelites, to the Chinese dynasties, to the feudalism of Western Europe, we found our identities, our health, and safety in the numbers and proximity of our people. Over time, these sects grew. They became villages and hamlets, then cities and nations. Divisions and culture formed around heritage, religion, geography, language, mythology, tragedies, kings, and lords.

Then something funny happened. The Industrial Revolution made life easier. Citizens of industrialized countries migrated from agrarian lifestyles to urban developments. As culture modernized, we lost the need for strength and courage to survive. We no longer needed the muscles and calluses of manual labor to tend to our own crops. The talent and focus needed to stitch fabrics together became a hobby instead of a mandatory skill. We could get the food and clothing we needed from markets and mercantiles.

Who needs to build their own hoses when specialized laborers could do it for you? Who needs giants to protect us when the government has armies? Who needs a bodyguard when you can buy your own weapons? Why protect your outskirts with roving bands armed with spears and swords when walls and secure border crossings will work more efficiently?

The neighboring towns were no longer rival clans, they were fellow countrymen. Our enemies were further away. The ever-present dangers and perils of pre-industrialization was a thing of the past. We were new people with modern needs and worries.

However, our tribalism was still hardwired into the human brain. Our communities might not need to bond they way we once did to survive, yet the human spirit still craves the bonds of community. Without the impetus for a tribe that lives together and fights together, we created new tribes with different purposes. The popularity contests continued in different domains.

Middle school cliques, political parties, college alumni, fraternal organizations, religious denominations, athletic franchises, MMORGPs, artist co-ops, book clubs, chosen families, and countless other ways we can find a way to say “these are my people, this is my tribe.” Our clans are bigger than they used to be. We can find kinship with strangers thousands of miles away. We can bond with individuals we may never meet in ways completed foreign to our ancestors.
Image courtesy of Lukas Zischke

Even though we no longer need the smartest and strongest to lead us, we still seek them out - even if we don’t know them personally. We find our leaders in hero worship, celebrity gossip, reality TV, social media influencers, and ballot boxes.

Modern civilization is completely disconnected from how we functioned for millennia. At the same time, we are bound to the ways historical cultures shaped our brains. Try as hard as we might to escape our past, the past is never truly dead.

Because my brain thinks through a filter of movie quotes and song lyrics, it is music which helped me comprehend our anthropology. My Culture by 1 Giant Leap featuring Maxi Jazz and Robbie Williams specifically speaks of this connection between our heritage, our biology, and the functions of modernity.

“I am the sum total of my ancestors, I carry their DNA. We are representatives of a long line of people and we cart them around everywhere: this long line of people that goes back to the beginning of time. And when we meet - they meet other lines of people. And we say: bring together the lines of me.”


I will remember.

3.10.2024

Fantastic Four: A Proposal

With a cast announced less than a month ago and roughly 16 months to film, edit, reshoot, score, and add special effects, Marvel has a lot to do in a short timeframe. Fantastic Four are some of the most popular and recognizable characters from Marvel Comics. Expectations are high especially since fans have been disappointed in previous cinematic attempts ranging anywhere from lackluster to what one critic described as “woefully misguided.”

The upcoming F4 movie has to accomplish the following:
1. Be consistent, coherent, funny, and better than anything Fox put into theaters.
2. Create the effects of elasticity, invisibility, flaming flight, and rock hard invulnerability without looking like obvious CGI.
3. Avoid over reliance on CGI (one of the biggest criticisms against recent MCU entries).
4. Not break the sacred timeline. The MCU has had some minor continuity errors lately.
5. Bring this team from the 1960s to the present.
6. Explain how Fantastic Four existed in the MCU timeline as heroes in the 1960s but no one remembers them in the current era.
7. Connect to both the past and the future of the MCU.
8. Avoid the origin story. We got it in two other movies already. Fans are sick of origin stories.
9. Make every one love H.E.R.B.I.E.
10. For fan service - give Pedro Pascal a special kid to protect.
Image courtesy Marvel Studios

What if I told you I had an idea to satisfy all of these demands? (Yes, I realize the scrip is already written and since I’m not psychic, I’m aware the actual movie will be different than my proposal. A boy can dream right?)

Side note: my idea sets the movie several years after the team had been blasted with cosmic rays on the first American mission to space, giving them their powers. By the early 60’s when the movie begins, Fantastic Four are already world famous and active superheroes.

Cold open in the middle of Fantastic Four doing heroics - perhaps fighting a retro villain or something cosmic which would lean into Ben Grimm’s career as an astronaut. After the title card, we see the heroes in Washington DC receiving commendations from President Lyndon B. Johnson. Franklin and Valeria watch their family from the side of the stage under H.E.R.B.I.E.’s supervision. At the dinner gala following the award ceremony, Hank Pym (Michael Douglas) approaches Reed to congratulate him and they discuss the creation and use of pym particles.
Image courtesy Marvel Studios

Back at the Baxter Building, Sue puts Franklin and Valeria to bed. Because they’re young, they still share a bedroom. After lights out, the two kids start discussing pym particles with excitement. Due to Valeria’s superior intellect, she deduces the element could be used for time travel. They spend the next few days constructing their own time machine with spare parts from their father’s laboratory. There’s only one problem: Hank Pym possesses all of the pym particles and doesn’t like to share. This forces the children to invent their own version of the element.

Once the machine and particles are complete, they test it out. Valeria steps inside and activates it. She’s transported to what she thinks is the future but is actually an alternate universe. There she sees Sue eating dinner inside their Baxter Building apartment with someone other than Reed. Sue calls this man Victor. Valeria tries to interrupt but is scolded and Victor tells her she’s supposed to be working on her homework. Sue gets up and escorts Valeria back to her bedroom where school books and assignments are littered on her desk. Valeria finds a pair of Doom gauntlets, a cape, and armor on the bed. She puts on the gauntlets and is surprised to find they’re a perfect fit. Valeria sits down at the desk and sees her name written on one of her school papers as Valeria Von Doom. She panics and suddenly gets transported back to her reality where Johnny and Sue are frustrated with Franklin as he tries to explain where Valeria disappeared.

Valeria, still wearing the gauntlets, announces her presence. Reed and Ben return as they had been searching the building to find Valeria. Demanding an explanation, the adults listen to the child’s testimony of events. When she mentions Victor and describes him, Reed gets angry. Von Doom was a childhood friend of Reed’s who immigrated to the US after World War II and was a member of the space mission that gave the Fantastic Four powers. Sue and Reed begin arguing with accusations of affairs. Reed wants to know why she’d choose Von Doom, Johnny tries to defend her sister, and Franklin pleads with them to stop. To end the fight, Franklin accidentally uses his latent psionic powers pushing Johnny, Sue, and Valeria into the time machine and sends them 60 years into the future.

The force of the psionic blast damages the machine. Ben panics and tries to deactivate it but the controls are not designed for his big hands and he breaks it more. As the machine grows unstable Franklin and Reed scramble to depower it and avert disaster. Unfortunately, they can’t prevent the time machine from exploding, all they can do is contain the blast to minimize damage. At the last possible moment, Thing positions himself to take the brunt of impact so the shockwave doesn’t destroy Manhattan. Reed grabs Franklin, running for the balcony, and leaps into the abyss. Mr Fantastic stretches his body to form a parachute and wraps his hands and feet into a harness around Franklin so the two can float to safety together.

Behind them, the Baxter Building shakes and a ball of flames blow out the windows of the upper floors. The building implodes and crumbles, damaging neighboring buildings as it collapses with Thing and H.E.R.B.I.E. inside. Thankfully, Ben Grimm is nearly indestructible and is able to crawl his way out of the rubble.

They are devastated. Reed’s wife and daughter are gone, Ben lost his friend Johnny, and Franklin is filled with guilt. They want to find the other half of their family and bring them home but don’t know where to look or how to recreate the machine Valeria helped build. Hank Pym, Janet Van Dyne (Michelle Pfeiffer), and Dr. Bill Foster (Laurence Fishburne) show up to help those affected by the Baxter disaster. Reed begs Hank to help build a new time machine to help them rescue Johnny, Sue, and Valeria. Hank refuses because it’s too dangerous, doesn’t believe pym particles could be used for time travel, and wouldn’t know where to find the missing people even if time travel was possible.

Meanwhile, Sue and Johnny struggle to make sense of the changes to Manhattan and new technologies. No one recognizes them or remembers them. Due to superior intellect, Valeria adapts quickly. Their sudden appearance also causes a disruption, sensed by Wong (Benedict Wong) who takes Sam Wilson (Anthony Mackie) with him to intercept the heroes from the past. Johnny and Sue demonstrate their powers, believing Wong and Wilson are members of hydra. In the brief fight, Wong subdues them with magic.
Image courtesy Marvel Studios

Sue, Johnny, and Valeria are brought to a holding cell at the new Avengers headquarters and Wong sling rings his way out leaving Sam to interrogate the newcomers. During the interrogation, a news story provides an update on Victor Von Doom founding the Kingdom of Latveria after rebuilding the ruins of his homeland, Sokovia. Sue is stunned but Valeria doesn’t recognize him because Dr Doom is wearing a mask. Wilson offers them transport to Latveria on the condition they stay there.

Back in 1964, Reed reaches out to the only person he can think to help: the Sorcerer Supreme. At the Sanctum Sanctorum, they find the Ancient One (Tilda Swinton) repair the mansion because it had minor damages from the collapse of the Baxter Building. Reed explains their predicament to the Ancient One. She meditates for a while, and though her meditation she learns where the others had gone.
Image courtesy Marvel Studios

Ancient One agrees to help but with sacrificial consequences. First, she can send them into the future timeline but it is a one way trip, they will not be able to return home. If they agree, the future will become their home. The second condition is an agreement for the Ancient One to undo the damages they caused to Manhattan, but in doing so she will erase the knowledge of their existence from everyone’s memory. No one will remember the Fantastic Four, no one will know they are heroes, no one will remember their missions to space leaving NASA’s space program to start over without them. Their timeline will move on as if they never existed. When they arrive in the future, they will have to begin a completely new life from nothing.

Reed, Ben, and Franklin all agree. Ancient One works her magic, the collapse of the Baxter Building is undone in reverse, damages to Manhattan are repaired, the photo of Ben Grimm disappears from the halls of NASA, a newspaper clipping showing Hank shaking hands with Reed changes to show Hank shaking hands with Howard Stark (John Slattery), and the remaining heroes vanish from 1964.

In modern times, Reed, Ben, and Franklin appear in Sanctum Sanctorum the same place they just left. However, they’re now standing behind Wong who is binge watching Game of Thrones with Madisynn (Patty Guggenheim). Wong jumps up ready to fight but is disarmed when Reed asks “Where is the Ancient One?” The story of why and how they arrived in Sanctum Sanctorum is relayed and Wong agrees to help.
Image courtesy Marvel Studios

In Latveria, Dr Doom is suspicious of Sue and Johnny, imprisoning them. Inside captivity, their powers are inert. This frustrates Johnny who keeps throwing himself into the walls trying to ignite himself. However, curious how Valeria got a hold of gauntlets he designed, Von Doom treats the girl like a princess.

Wong learns from Sam where Reed’s family was taken. Wong’s students learn Johnny and Sue are being held captive. Madison researches social media and finds pictures of Victor with Valeria, and she is dressed in royal Latverian clothing to match Doom’s costume. Reed and Ben demand to mount a rescue mission. Sam declined to assist them as his participation would be a violation of UN treaties protecting Latveria’s sovereignty.

To complete the rescue, Wong sends a few of his students to accompany Reed and Ben to storm Doom’s castle. Wong remains behind to manage the New York sanctum and baby sit Franklin.

In Latveria, the heroes are confronted with dozens of doombots. As Thing smashes the robots and Mr Fantastic uses his rubbery arms to launch the bots every direction, the students use their magic to break the doombots apart. Unfortunately, for every robot destroyed, more appear.

Inside the castle, Dr Doom is eating a meal with Valeria. His mask is off, revealing scars and disfiguration. Seeing the commotion on his security feed, he excuses himself and dons the mask. He joins the melee and orders his doombots to stop fighting. Doom asks the heroes for their reason to enter Latveria. Franklin explains he came to retrieve his family. Feigning cordiality, Doom invites them inside the castle. Once inside, Reed and Ben lose their powers, reverting Thing back to his original human appearance. Without warning, the doombots swarm and overpower the de-powered heroes and escort them to detainment cells. While being dragged away, Reed asks Victor “What happened to you?”

The question confounds Doom. Due to the spell Ancient One used to undo the damages to Manhattan in the 60s, Victor doesn’t remember any of the Fantastic Four. In the 60s, Franklin has a vision of Valeria filled with rage and smashing electric components. He tells Wong how Valeria might be in danger. Wong responds with a grunt, “hmm” and tells the boy to go watch cartoons.

Back in the dining hall, Valeria is watching everything on the security feed Doom left on. Seeing her father mistreated angers her. She gets her gauntlets and uses telepathy to deduce the location of the castle’s security controls. Once there, she uses the gauntlets to smash everything which deactivates the castle’s defenses, including the technology Doom uses to repress magic and superpower abilities. In an instant, Johnny is ablaze and Thing turns into stone. They bust out of their cells. Wong’s students regain their magic and escape.

A new battle resumes between the heroes and doombots. This time, with two additional fighters, progress seems easier. Because the security system is damaged, the bots are easier to fight and Von Doom lost his ability to control them. They quickly subdue Victor Von Doom but are stopped from hurting him by Valeria. She explains he is this nation’s king and the people of Latveria depend on him. Their status as an independent nation is recognized by the United Nations and protected by the European Union. Franklin advises Doom to rule his people and remain in his country. Should Doom ever cause harm outside of his borders, the Fantastic Four would be there to stop him.

The students use the sling rings to open portals allowing the team to return to the Sanctum Sanctorum. Before she leaves, Valeria removes the cape and armor Victor gifted her. She turns to exit but pauses again, drops the gauntlets then steps through the portal.

Back in New York, Sue and Reed find Franklin watching The Simpsons with Madisynn. With the team reunited, Reed says it’s time to find a new home. Franklin says he has a few ideas. Begin credits.

In a mid credit scene, in the basement of the old Baxter Building, a tarp covers a strange form. Small lights turn on, illuminating the tarp from the inside. The form inside wiggles and wrestles itself free revealing H.E.R.B.I.E. reactivated for the first time in 60 years.

In a post credit scene, Sue and Reed are on a date at a fancy restaurant. Doctor Strange (Benedict Cumberbatch) approaches, who they think is their waiter. Strange uses magic to make their drink order appear. He introduces himself and invites Reed to join the Illuminati.
Image courtesy Marvel Studios

Just think what my version of the film accomplishes. It introduces the Fantastic Four, brings them from the 60s into the present without disturbing the sacred timeline, explains why no one in modern times remembers them, sets up Dr Doom as a future big baddie, connects the Fantastic Four to other MCU characters, and maintains the Pedro protects a kid trope. It’s perfect.

Of course, Disney has their own plans. The script has been written and production should begin soon. We’ll see what Marvel Studios creates when the movie releases next year.

3.09.2024

Fantastic Four: A Refresher

The leader of the team can stretch absurd lengths and flex his body into any shape. His wife can turn herself invisible at will and project force fields around herself any anyone next to her. The youngest can ignite his body in a ball of flames and fly while he’s on fire. The last member is the only one who can’t pass for normal, his body built of orange rocks making him super strong and nearly indestructible. Aside from their powers, who are the Fantastic Four?

Reed Richards is known as the smartest man in the Marvel universe. He is slightly arrogant but in a way he doesn’t realize he’s arrogant because he literally is so much more intelligent than everyone else. He’s a workaholic and can often be emotionally distant.
Image courtesy of Marvel Comics

Johnny Storm has a massive ego and is eager to flaunt his powers. He’s charismatic, braggadocios, an adrenaline junky, and enjoys attention. Despite his hot temper, he wants everyone to like him and is willing to team up with almost anyone.
Image courtesy of Marvel Comics

Ben Grimm has a soft heart under his rough exterior. He used his football scholarship to escape his impoverished and violent childhood. Not the smartest dude around but he makes up for it with a jovial personality and uses humor to hide his emotional turmoil.
Image courtesy of Marvel Comics

Sue Storm lost her mom at a young age and her father struggled with alcoholism, leaving her to take care of her younger brother Johnny. Even as adults, she is still a motherly figure to those around her. She is the soul of the team, being their voice of reason and emotional support. She is also incredibly powerful and is often underestimated.
Image courtesy of Marvel Comics

Combined, they are Fantastic Four. This is the first superhero team in Marvel Comics and Marvel’s first family. However, their family is bigger than the four of them.

Reed and Sue are married and have two kids - Franklin and Valeria. As children of super-powered parents, these kids also have abilities. Franklin inherited his father’s intelligence but also possesses the ability to manipulate reality and experiences minor precognitive visions. Valeria didn’t acquire Reed’s intelligence, she superseded it. She mastered several fields of science at a young age including multidimensional physics. She also got her mom’s gift of invisibility and developed the power to project energy. Both kids have limited ability to travel through time. Franklin does so with his psionic powers and Valeria uses a method she calls time-dancing.
Image courtesy of Marvel Comics

Johnny is uncle to the Richards kids. His best friend, Wyatt Wingfoot doesn’t have any superpowers but is an athletic marksman and has occasionally saved the Four from potentially bad situations by showing up at the right place at the right time. Johnny has also dated a Skrull alien, a member of the Inhumans, and a couple ladies in the X-Men.

The only member of the team not in the family is Ben. However he is Franklin and Valeria’s godfather and the kids treat him like an uncle. While he tends to be a loner, afraid people won’t accept his appearance, he did develop a relationship with a blind artist named Alicia Masters, who happens to be the daughter of Puppet Master, one of the F4’s foes.

Then there are the robots. H.E.R.B.I.E. was originally a substitute for the missing Human Torch then became a lab assistant to Reed, butler for the family, and a babysitter for Franklin and Valeria. Roberta was the Baxter Building receptionist. She looked human but didn’t have legs and is attached to her desk. She often outwits hackers and trespassers attempting to access the Fantastic Four’s home.

While Fantastic Four’s stories are filled with action and adventure, it is the family drama that endeared them to readers. Fans could see themselves in the rivalry and occasional pranks between Ben and Johnny. They could relate to the marital disputes between Sue and Reed. They longed for the loving bond between brother and sister or the mentorship Reed provided Johnny. Everyone wanted a devoted friend like Ben. They laughed together, often quarreled, and adore each other deeply.

This is the charm Marvel Studios needs to capture that was missing from the previous movies. A family that doesn’t always get along but love each other through crisis and conflict. Individuals who think that can do anything alone but realize they are better together. And heroes who genuinely enjoy a good joke.

3.08.2024

Fantastic Four: A Timeline

November 1961: The Fantastic Four debuted with issue #1 for Marvel Comics. This is the first team of heroes created by the collaboration between Jack Kirby and Stan Lee. Due to their popularity among readers and their status of being an actual family in fictional continuity, the Four quickly became known as the first family of Marvel.
Image courtesy Marvel Comics

While superhero teams were not a new concept in the world of comic books, Fantastic Four were unique because they were a family. The first issues introduced Reed Richards (Mr Fantastic) as a man with an elastic body and his girlfriend Sue Storm (Invisible Woman) who could become invisible and project an invisible force field around her. The two would later get married. Also on the team was Johnny Storm (Human Torch), Sue’s brother who could fly and light himself on fire. The last member was Ben Grimm (Thing) who was Reed’s college room mate and possessed a body made or rock. Like all families, this one bickered a lot adding their family drama into the tension of fighting supervillains and anti-heroes like Namor, Dr Doom, Annihilation, and the Silver Surfer.

July 1963: with issue #16, Marvel dropped the The. The Fantastic Four officially became Fantastic Four.

1975: Fantastic Four is released as a radio show starring Bill Murray as Human Torch. It doesn’t last long.

1977: Bill Murray joined the cast of Saturday Night Live, completely redeeming his role as Human Torch.

September 1967: Hannah-Barbera produces a cartoon Fantastic Four series. It lasts for a rear. The cartoon is revived in 1978 with a different producer. The revival does not include Human Torch, instead they have a robot servant named H.E.R.B.I.E who is incorporated into the comics.
Image courtesy Hannah-Barbera

1979: another cartoon broadcasts titled Fred and Barney Meet the Thing. Thing is the only F4 character featured in the series and gave us the catch phrase “Thing-rings, do your thing!” We’ll pretend this doesn’t exist.
Image courtesy Hannah-Barbera

1985: Questprobe 3 was released as an 8 bit game on the Atari. It only featured Human Torch and Thing.
Image courtesy of Adventure International

1986: Constantin Film purchases film rights to Fantastic Four. Those rights were set to expire 12/31/92 if a movie isn’t produced.

1992: Constantin Film teams up with Roger Corman (known for creating countless B-movies) to produce the first Fantastic Four movie on a $1 million budget. Constantin Film had to make this movie to prevent film rights from being reverted back to Marvel. It was set to be in theaters Labor Day weekend of 1993 but that never happened because it was so terrible. It was never officially released but can be pirated online.
Image courtesy of New Concorde

October 1997: Fantastic Four was released as a beat ‘em up style video game on the original PlayStation.
Image courtesy Acclaim Entertainment

2004: 20th Century Fox acquired the film rights to Fantastic Four.

July 2005: 20th Century Fox releases Fantastic Four starring Ioan Gruffudd as Mr Fantastic, Jessica Alba as Invisible Woman, Chris Evans as Human Torch, and Michael Chiklis as Thing. It got mixed reviews. I thought it was just OK. Not bad but not good either.
Image courtesy 20th Century Fox

September 2006: debut of the cartoon series Fantastic Four: World's Greatest Heroes.
Image courtesy Taffy Entertainment

October 2006: The Fantastic Four we’re playable characters in the game Ultimate Alliance. A month later it was released on the PlayStation2, then on the Wii another month later. They appeared in the sequel but not playable, and they were playable again as DLC in the third game of the series.
Image courtesy Activision

June 2007: Fox premiers the movie sequel. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer debuts to more mixed reviews. While I don’t think it was a great movie, I enjoyed it more than its predecessor. There were plans for a third movie that never materialized.
Image courtesy 20th Century Fox

September 2009: Debut of the cartoon Super Hero Squad. This show features a wide variety of marvel characters and frequently includes members of Fantastic Four. My older three kids were obsessed with this show when it came out.
Image courtesy Marvel Animation

2011: Chris Evans is cast as Captain America in the MCU, completely redeeming his role as Human Torch.

August 20015: Fox released the Josh Trank Fant4stic starring stars Miles Teller as Mr Fantastic, Kate Mara as Invisible Woman, Michael B. Jordan as Human Torch, Jamie Bell as Thing. This movie was created for the same reason as the unreleased Fantastic Four movie - to prevent the film rights from expiring and reverting back to Marvel. And just like the 90s F4 movie, it sucked. It was trashed by critics, ignored by fans, and won two golden raspberry awards (worst director and worst picture).
Image courtesy 20th Century Fox

2018: Michael B. Jordan was cast as Killmanger in Black Panther, completely redeeming his role as Human Torch.

March 2019: Disney bought 21st Century Fox, returning Fantastic Film rights to Marvel Studios.

July 2019: Kevin Feige appeared at San Diego Comic-Con to announce the slate of upcoming MCU projects in production, which included Fantastic Four.
Image courtesy Marvel Studios

May 2022: Mr Fantastic has a brief appearance in Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness as a member of The Illuminati. He’s portrayed by fan casting favorite John Krasinski.
Image courtesy Marvel Studios

September 2022: At the D23 Expo, Kevin Feige announced a director (Matt Shakman) and a release date (11/8/24). The release has since been pushed back to 7/25/25.

November 2023: It is heavily rumored then confirmed Pedro Pascal was cast to play Mr Fantastic in the MCU. This is a disappointment to many (including me) who wanted to see John Krasinski continue this character. Since Pascal perfected his geek chops as a loner escorting a special child to safety in The Mandalorian and as a loner escorting a special child to safety in The Last Of Us, jokes started circulating social media asking which special child he would escort to safety in Fantastic Four.

February 2024: For Valentine’s Day, Marvel Studios released a teaser image for Fantastic Four confirming the cast. Pedro Pascal as Mr Fantastic, Vanessa Kirby as Invisible Woman, Joseph Quinn as Human Torch, and Ebon Moss-Bachrach as Thing. Easter eggs in the announcement confirm rumors that the movie would be set in the sixties.
Image courtesy Marvel Studios

3.04.2024

Soul Laid Bare

She is the sun on my skin and the breeze in my hair
She is nowhere to be found and absolutely everywhere
She is chaos incarnate with a divine flair
She is clothes backwards inside out and doesn’t care
She is the dance beat between the kick and the snare
She makes every mess and takes every dare
She terrifies me yet she’s a breath of fresh air
She’s my daughter and she is my soul laid bare

2.24.2024

Of Elk and Maddening Times

Pick an animal. Any animal. You will surely find symbolism for that creature within the indigenous cultures native to the lands forming the wildlife’s natural habitats. From Africa to Europe to the Americas to South East Asia. As long as humans have interacted with the animal kingdom, we have looked to our furry, feathered, and scaled friends to derive meaning, provide sustenance, and deliver omens.

In recent years, I’ve grown fascinated with mythologies from around the world. I’ve studied the gods of ancient Egypt and the convoluted stories of Norse mythos. I’ve researched the religious pantheon of Greece, India, and Japan. I’ve delved into the mythological creatures of the Irish, Scottish, and British lore.

This intellectual quest is not a search for faith. I already have a core set of beliefs and am not looking to upgrade or replace. However, I’ve reached a phase in my life where I care more about why people believe what they believe than what they actually believe. The human mind intrigues me. While I am skeptical the appearance of a beast or a constellation can predict my future, I think it’s important to understand how cultures of our history interpreted the world around us and how it shaped their lives and folklore. From totems to spirit animals, creatures great and small had deep meaning to peoples of every continent.

Especially as I get my skin decorated with ink. This fall I will have a sloth added to my arm, with plans for a crow, mountain goat, jackalope, sasquatch, and the jörmungandr to be a part of my collection of tats as soon as possible. Yes, I realize three of those are mythical creatures, yet even the cryptids and beasts of myths are important in understanding why people do what they do. Because of my tattoo dreams, I have spent a significant amount of time studying the symbolism of these animals and more (bees, bunnies, sharks, hummingbirds, etc).

Which brings us to the elk. This grand species of the deer family once populated most of North America (with one subspecies stretching into Mexico), Northern Europe, and northern Asia which exposed elk to a wide variety of ancient cultures from the Pacific coast, to Scandinavia, into the northern islands of Japan. Unfortunately, elk went extinct in much their former lands, now remaining in the Cascade and Rocky Mountains of US and Canada, and the eastern regions where Russia, Mongolia, and China meet.

For Buddhists in eastern Asia, elk were seen as messengers and guided lost travelers away from peril. Seeing an elk in the wild would lead people to believe they were enlightened. They thought elk represented a search for truth, harmony with nature, and the ability to live peacefully without attachment.

The Celts saw nobility, pride, independence, strength, and endurance in elk. They believed elk guided heroes through danger and on secret quests. In Ireland, elk were omens of success if seen during the harvest season.

The Norse connected elk to Freyr, the god of peace, sunshine, and rain. For them, the animal represented peace, prosperity, and … um … reproductive potency.

Myths and legends about elk varied across America depending on the tribe. Most groups revered elk for their strength, stamina, and noble appearance. When hunted for sustenance, Native Americans used every part of the elk for food, clothing, shelter, and jewelry. The elk was essential to the Osage creation story. Lakota Sioux saw them as symbols of good fortune in hunting. It was a sacred animal for the Cherokee nation. In the Pacific Northwest there were legends of elk finding women captured by enemy tribes then leading them back home. Depending on the region, elk represented attributes like pride, independence, freedom, guidance, protection, success, triumph, survival, prosperity, and overcoming obstacles.

Knowing these things, imagine my delight seeing this herd after leaving the house earlier this week, on my way to set up my first DJ gig of 2024.

This last year has been difficult at our house. Outside forces have brought Annie and me closer together than ever before, yet our souls are wounded and our spirits are weary. We have shed a lot of tears and prayed with broken hearts. When confronted with a deluge of discouragement and tragedy, it would be nice to get a sign – something to remind us that everything is going to be OK.

Mythologies and folklore are something people invented. Yet they are real as a way we have handed down stories through generations from one to the next. In many ways, what is fact or fiction is irrelevant. These beliefs, traditions, and superstitions existed for a reason. Once you dig into the different stories, you begin to see a commonality between this culture and that culture, from one region to another. With elk, there are similarities connecting people separated by oceans and vast distances.

Nearly all ancient populations thought bull elks signified attributes like strength, confidence, and determination. They found qualities like protection, providence, and provision in cow elks. When they spotted a whole herd, most cultures interpreted it as a sign of community and the need to rely on those around you. There is a universal certainty an elk crossing your path was a suggestion to change course. In dreams, it was commonly believed elk represented fortitude, resilience, and overcoming trials.

Seeing a herd of animals won’t change the course of my life, even creatures as majestic as the elk. Still, the myths about elk are too consistent to be accidental. Folklore survives because it teaches us lessons about our people, our land, and our selves. If I am superstitious to think finding a herd of elk grazing in a field along the road is a sign from God that my community has my back, so be it. Nothing is harmed feeling a bit more confident and determined from the tales of my ancestors.

2.10.2024

To Be President (Let’s Play a Game)

Presidential debates are a joke, right? It’s just two (sometimes three) candidates from opposing parties criticizing each other while competing in mental gymnastics to avoid answering questions placed by the moderator who lost control of the event before it even started. Or in the case of Donald Trump, debates are an opportunity to be creepy and follow your opponent around like some sort of menacing sexual predator.

I remember when the debates were actual debates. Some boring newscaster would ask the candidates what they would do about various issues facing Americans; then the wannabe presidents would provide a vague semblance of what they believe to be the best course of action. Their opponent would poke holes in those policy plans then the same question would be posed to the second candidate with the first hopeful to dismantle the opposing ideas.

Those days are gone. I don’t have any hope of such a format returning to American political discourse. However, I’m not thrilled about the current approach of letting all the monkeys fling poo at each other until the broadcast is terminated. Besides, we already know what positions the candidates support. We’re not learning anything new from the debates.

Many people have suggested adding an age limit for presidential qualifications but I have a better idea. Instead of an arbitrary number, what if we could use the debates to filter out those who are too old due to incompetence or mental decline? What if we created a method far more educational and entertaining than what we do now? At least it would be fun and informative for the average voter; I’m not sure how much the candidates would enjoy it. All nominees in the general election (3rd parties included) should compete in a series of game shows based on high school civics exams, citizenship tests for immigrants, and introductory level understandings of things like economics, law, and geography. Instead of pundits from various news networks hosting these competitive debates, they should be hosted by the comedians of late night television.

The first round should be a Jeopardy style game with trivia from high school civics classes. All clues will be read in the form of an answer. Contestants, ahem, I mean candidates should buzz in to answer with a question. Categories could include topics like Current World Leaders, Cabinet Positions, Constitutional Amendments, Checks and Balances, War on Drugs, and Immigration Policy.

Round Two: Hollywood Squares. Just like the classic game show, celebrities fill up a 3x3 tower of booths to help (or decidedly not help) the candidates as they take turns with questions taken straight from the test immigrants take to become citizens. When a would-be president answers a question correctly, they get an X or an O for a competitive game of tic-tac-toe.

Next up, round three is Hot Ones. Candidates are asked a series of questions about the functions of the government and various branches of the armed forces. If they answer correctly, nothing happens. If they get a question wrong, they have to eat a chicken wing covered hot sauce. Or meatless wing if they’re a vegetarian. The wings get spicier with each subsequent wrong answer. The more they get wrong, the hotter their wings get.

Where in the World are American Interests? fills up the fourth round with geography questions. In this Carmen Sandiego spoof, candidates are the gumshoes answering questions focused on the locations of our foreign allies, military assets, and global conflicts.

The fifth round features kids. In Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader? each candidate is paired with an elementary student to answer basic questions about American history, ethics, business, money, and culture. If the candidate gets a question wrong while it is successfully answered by their fifth grade partner, the moderator will make jokes about the failing potential president’s educational degrees and professional accomplishments.

The final debate is a revamped Price Is Right. In this competition, those running for president will play a bunch of mini games to guess how much money it takes to live in America. The idea is to see which candidate is most aware of what American consumers pay for basic necessities of housing, transportation, utilities, education, food, clothing, health care, and electronics.

We don’t need to hear candidates spout their opinions about hot button issues because we know those will fall into ideological lines of their parties. It would be helpful to know if these potentially most powerful people in the world are smart enough to handle the basics of the presidency. Do they know what they’re talking about - even if you don’t agree with their biases?

Six rounds of game shows replacing debates. Attendance mandatory. Everything is scored so there can be definitive winners and losers. All facts, no opinions. Hosted and moderated by funny folks like Steven Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O’Brien, Amber Ruffin, Seth Meyers, and John Oliver. Losing doesn’t remove POTUS hopefuls from the ballot but (hopefully) sways voters to pick better Presidents. This plan even has the potential to create a smarter electorate. Perhaps the viewer will learn something about this country while learning about their favorite contestant. I mean candidate. Perhaps, with a better educated populace, we could avoid repeating the mistakes of our past.

Theoretically speaking of course. What do I know? I’m just a DJ and an author.

2.09.2024

To Be President (On Paper)

The constitutional requirements for someone to become the President of the United States of American is embarrassingly sparse. Or at least, the qualifications to be eligible are few.

1. Must be at least 35 years old. Technically a 34 year old could campaign as long as they turn 35 before the inauguration.
2. Must be a natural born citizen of the USA. There’s been lots of arguments about what that means, and that’s a debate I do not wish to settle.
3. Must have been an American resident for at least 14 years. Suck it ex-pats.

That’s it. You gotta live here, be born here, and be 35 or older. With math and some rough estimations, that’s roughly 120 million Americans who are eligible to become president. Why don’t more people run? Well, from a humorist’s perspective, the only people who want to become president are the kinds of people who should never be president. Theory has it one must be pathologically narcissistic to run for president.

In reality though, money rules the USA. Only rich people can afford to run for president. That takes our estimated 120 million eligible natural born American residents over the age of 35 down to a list of 22 million millionaires. But 1% of millionaires are under 35, so some more calculations give us 21.7 million who meet the constitutional standards to be president and possess the capital to run for office.

Even money and meeting qualifications aren’t enough. You need to be accepted by a party and we all know there’s enough infighting in politics to exclude certain candidates from their own party’s primaries. Even if one is on the primary ballot, those candidates must appeal to the most extreme elements of their base to make it through to the general election. If we’ve learned anything from the 2016 and 2020 elections, overcrowded clown cars in the primaries tend to provide the worst possible candidates in the general election.

All things considered, from the wealth to the influence of the fringes - becoming president is not simple. However, I believe it’s too easy to qualify to be president. Being the right age, naturally born, and residing in America is not enough. Our guidelines should be a little more stringent. If I had it my way (which we all know I don’t) I would include a few more requirements for anyone to be eligible for the presidency.

1. Be a natural born citizen of the USA.
2. Reside in the USA for at least the previous 14 years.
3. Be 35 years of age or older.
4. Must have one election for either municipal, state, or federal position.
5. Cannot be the parent, child, spouse, or sibling of a previous President.
6. Can only run for President once unless running for reelection.

Just imagine how different our United States would be right now if we had these rules.

George W Bush would have never been President.
Hillary Clinton would not have been the DNC candidate in 2016.
Carly Fiorina would not have been in the GOP 2016 primary.
We wouldn’t have heard jokes about Low Energy Jeb.
Donald Trump would still be a reality TV star and polarizing celebrity instead of a former president facing multiple indictments.
Tom Steyer would not have been in the DNC 2020 primary.
There’d be no need for Chris Christie to withdraw from the 2024 race.
Vivek Ramaswamy would not have had a 2024 campaign to terminate.
Jill Stein would’t be currently running for the Green Party.
We would have had candidates of greater quality in the previous two and current elections.

How much better off would our nation be right now if the 2016 election was Marco Rubio or Ben Carson versus Bernie Sanders or Martin O’Malley? Where would we be if Pete Buttigieg or Andrew Yang won the nomination four years ago instead of Joe Biden.

Looking into the future, these three new requirements I propose would prevent Michelle Obama or Don Jr from running for president because they are the offspring of or married to a former president. Kamala Harris would be disqualified from running for President because she ran in 2020. As much as I like Cory Booker and John Kasich, neither of them would qualify to run for President because they were unsuccessful in their last attempts. No more Ron DeSantis or Beto O'Rourke or the national stage. We wouldn’t have any random rich dudes who got wealthy through pharmaceutical or tech startups decide they are smart enough to run the country. No more real estate moguls or CEOs who sold the SuperSonics to OKC thinking their wealth qualifies them to be the POTUS.

Theoretically speaking of course. What do I know? I’m just a dude who writes books and plays music for other people.

2.03.2024

Scenes from a Movie We’ll Never See

We all know this castle right?
Image courtesy Disney

We have observed Tinker Bell flying over this structure for the better part of the last century. Soon, there’s a movie coming from the house of mouse the younger version of me thought would never happen.
Image courtesy movieweb.com


Humor me for a moment.

You’re sitting in a darkened theater and the Marvel fanfare begins. You’ve watched enough MCU movies to know what’s coming. Flashing comic book pages followed by reddened clips of Earth’s Mightiest Heroes framing the inside edges of letters comprising the words Marvel Studios. However, instead of Chris Pratt, Chris Hemsworth, and Chris Evans populating the studio title card, it’s all images of Deadpool doing inappropriate things from his first two movies.

Next up is the Disney branding. This is where the Magic Kingdom comes in. However, instead of the home fit for Cinderella, the castle we all know and love is constructed with katanas, pistols, grenades, rocket launchers, sais, and knives. The sky is red, the river black. Replacing the old ship, there’s a food truck selling chimichangas. Instead of the orchestral version of “When You Wish Upon a Star” as the fanfare, you have Flava Flav singing the lyrics in the same passionate and slightly off key voice like when he sang the National Anthem. With the last line “come to you” you hear the snikt sound of Wolverine’s claws, then a second snikt, followed by a slash.

When the Disney fanfare is done, the camera zooms into and through the castle doors as if it was attached to a drone flown by Wade Wilson. Once inside the castle, the camera turns 180° to replay a clip from 2018’s Deadpool 2 where Wolverine is about to fight the weird Deadpool from 2009’s X-Men Origins. Through Logan’s claws, you watch the crappy Deadpool get shot in the head by the cool Deadpool. Deadpool steps out and says “Hey, it’s me, don’t scratch.”
Image courtesy Fox Marvel/Disney

This is all straight from the post credits scene of Deadpool 2. As soon as Wade says “Don’t scratch,” you hear a record scratch and the frame freezes. Over the motionless action from the previous movie, the new Deadpool’s narration begins.

“Remember when this happened? Ever since then, shit got weird. How weird? Glad you asked.”

Suddenly, new footage starts in a room full of Deadpools from different universes. One is wearing a Santa hat, one is dressed like Gwenpool (voiced by Blake Lively), one is a cartoon, there’s a dinosaur, and a kid. With the exception of Gwenpool and the kid, all of them are played by Ryan Reynolds. This collection of Deadpool variants are arguing about which Deadpool is the real Deadpool. One of them cracks, screaming “there can be only one” and kills all of them except Gwenpool. He tells Gwenpool, “Bye hon, I’ll see you when I’m done with filming.”

Breaking the fourth wall, Deadpool looks at the camera and says “I told them I was the real Deadpool.” He pauses and cocks his head to the side then continues. “Wait, what if I’m not the real Deadpool.” Wade looks around and kicks a couple corpses to see if any other Deadpools are still alive then faces the camera again. “Oh well, too late now. The last Deadpool puts on a pair of Mickey Mouse ears and leaves the room while whistling the dwarfs’ tune from Snow White: “Whistle While You Work.”

Title card. DEADPOOL 3 fills the screen. The opening credits sequence features a gratuitous amount of Deadpool twerking with the soundtrack playing Ying Yang Twins’ song “Whistle While You Twurk.” Deadpool twerks with Chewbacca, She-Hulk, Zachary Levi dressed like Flynn Rider, the emotions from Inside Out, Quorra from Tron, Will Smith’s Genie, Woody and Buzz, Domino and Cable, Ernesto de la Cruz, Loki, Olaf, Gaston, Quasimodo, Sir Patrick Stewart, Salacious B. Crumb, and Ke Huy Quan reprising his role of Short Round but he’s wearing Indiana Jones’ hat.

I know the real movie won’t start like this but dang I’d love it if it did. There are a lot of scenes I want to see in Deadpool 3 which I know will never happen. Because I’m not a writer with Marvel Studios; I’m just a fan. But if I was one of Disney/Marvel’s screenwriters, here are a few other bits I’d include.

Peter Dinklage comes back as Bolivar Trask - the villain he played in 2014’s Days of Future Past. He’s lamenting how his sentinel project failed and wants to hire a mercenary to kill all the mutants. Deadpools shows up to take the job. After introductions, Deadpool tells Trask “You look like my friend Eitri. But you can’t be him, he was a giant.”

In another scene, Deadpool and Wolverine explore the X Mansion where they run into Bobby Drake, AKA Iceman played by Shawn Ashmore from Days of Future Past. When Iceman demonstrates his powers, Deadpool asks “Do you want to build a snowman?” Wolverine the grump answers “No.” Deadpool replies with singing “OK bye …”

Wolverine goes feral and destroys a building. Deadpool tells him “You’re stealing Wreck-It-Ralph’s job.”

Deadpool asks if Harrison Ford is going to show up throughout the movie. At one point, he asks “Which Ford are we going to see next? Han Solo, Doctor Jones, or the red hulk.” After knocking on a door, Calista Flockhart answers. Deadpool asks her if Harrison can come out and play. Flockhart says “He’s busy filming Air Force Two.”

If any of these scenes appear in the final version of Deadpool 3, I will be the giddiest fanboy in the theater. Reality is I’m not Professor X, Jean Grey, Emma Frost, Stryfe, or any other physic powered mutant so I can’t predict what jokes or songs or cameos will be in the real movie. I won’t riot if my wishes are unfulfilled. What I do want is bountiful Disney jokes. I want to hear jokes about the MCU’s inconsistent timeline and how the Netflix series were retconned to be cannon. I want to hear Deadpool criticize Marvel’s toxic fandom telling them to shut up when it comes to shows and movies featuring female superheroes. I want a rickroll. Even if I don’t get any of that, I just want the movie to be fun.

My version is not coming to theaters ever. But Disney’s version is set to be released in July and (if the rumors are true) the trailer will debut during the Super Bowl. Until then, we can only speculate what shenanigans the merc with a mouth will get into.
Image courtesy Marvel/Disney