What It’s Like to Be Me: In the Beginning Pt 4, Not Quite Cool Enough

I never was one of the cool kids. Looking back on my teen years, I was a nerd. Still am. But back then, I tried so hard to act cool and fit in. No matter how hard I attempted though, there was a hard lesson I learned over and over again: I could never try hard enough. Because no matter how cool I could be, it wasn’t quite cool enough.

I was always one of the shortest kids in my class. Most of my friends were better looking, more talented, had wealthier parents, lived in nicer houses, and didn’t have to try so hard to be the thing I wished I was: cool.

Joy Electric: “Never Be a Star”
Most kids dream of fame or prestige in one form or another when imagining a future career. Ask them what they want to be when they grow up and you’ll hear answers like movie stars, pro-athletes, firefighters, chefs, models. I wanted to be an architect. As I got older, I surrounded myself with artists and musicians. I longed to be a part of that world. However, I never had that thing it takes to be a star. This Joy Electric song demonstrated that bittersweet balance of pursuing a dream in the face of realistic expectations and the motivation behind both, “More than anything I want is the feeling of some worth.” For me, I never wanted to be famous, I only wanted famous friends.

The Police: “King of Pain”
“There’s a little black spot on the sun today.” When Mercury is in transit, it appears as a little black spot as it passes between earth and the sun. Sting was contemplating his lot in life when he observed this phenomenon and said “That’s my soul up there.” That inspired one of the most iconic opening lyrics in rock music history. With my melancholic disposition and social status at the bottom of the totem pole, it was easy for me to relate to Sting’s perspective, feeling like a speck cast against something bigger and brighter than I’ll ever be. Or like a rag hung from a flagpole fluttering in relentless winds. Or a dead fish frozen in an icy waterfall. Of course, his expression of despair is far more poetic and graceful than I could have ever composed myself.

Resurrection Band: “Dark Carnival”
It’s a short song in the middle of a concept album about being disillusioned with the cruelty of life. Surrounded by the cruelty of my peers, the sixteen year of version of me found it easy to relate to every song on the record. After a few bluesy rock songs, the tempo slows for the band adopts a waltz cadence and something that sounds like circus music. Glenn Kaiser begins to sing, “A handful of tickets already paid for, a heart full and jaded, taken for too many rides. I'm still looking for somewhere to spend these dreams on the midway between my heart and my mind.” Damn. His voice was so pained yet eager and hopeful. Young me was incredibly jaded and hearing this song for the first time helped me learn it was OK to not be OK.

The Dell Griffiths: “King of Almost”
The band named themselves after John Candy’s character from Planes, Trains, & Automobiles Their one and only album “I ... I Like Me” contained a tribute to Annakin Skywalker, Edward Scissorhands, abusive girlfriends, and celebrity crushes. They had a cover of The Cars “Best Friend’s Girl” and Split Enz “I Got You.” It’s a delightful and weird record that no one has ever heard. Too odd for Christian markets, and never released to mainstream markets. Their sales were not good enough to justify a sophomore effort. It’s so rare it’s not available on any streaming platform. And I can’t find a single song on Youtube. If I ever have the right to call myself a hipster it’s because of how much I love this album. Halfway through is a beautiful bittersweet ballad that so perfectly defined how I felt about my teenaged life. I even ordered a custom t-shirt for myself with artwork from the liner notes and lyrics from the first verse printed on it: “There’s no need to cry, no need to ask why. Life simply slips by on its way to someone else.”

The Verve Pipe: “Hero”
When you grow up an outcast, when you’re young and bullied or abused, sometimes you crave being the center of attention. That might be why you see so many comedians emerge from broken childhoods. The trauma makes us funny. Or we use the humor as a coping mechanism. This attitude is demonstrated in Hero, “I doubt that anybody got their money's worth but the attention sure felt great.” I was lucky to grow up with supportive parents who bent over backwards to make sure I knew they loved me. But when I walked out the door, the world away from home was hostile. I look back at my teen years and count far too many instances where I tried too hard to get that brief spurt of attention to compensate for the negative treatment I got from my peers. Sure, it felt great for a moment but I probably looked ridiculous doing it.