When my ex-wife asked for a separation, I was devastated. I felt blindsided. But her request didn’t come out of nowhere. Upon reflection, I realized this had been planned for a long time. For years, we’d ignored the cracks in concrete causing our marriage to crumble. Our union didn’t end suddenly, and these songs help me understand the beginning of our end.
Breathe Carolina: “Hello Fascination”
Narcissistic abuse goes through three phases: idealization (making infatuation, fascination, affection), devaluing (criticism, mockery, blame), and discarding (rejection, shunning). If you’re interested in more details, you can read about this pattern HERE. This song from Breathe Caroline aptly describes how it feels to be on the receiving end of this type of abuse. “You build me up just to break me down, You're being loud without a sound, You paste me in just to cut me out.”
Seether: “Here and Now”
I don’t enjoy giving up. Not sure anyone really does. Sometimes, I give up too easily, yet other times I hang on far longer than I should. When it comes to toxic relationships, I’m more like Shaun Morgan singing, “I'm weary of fighting this alone, so tired of holding on to strings much better left to fray.” But with marriage and kids and family, you’re not supposed to quit. Or, at least that’s what I thought.
Quietdrive: “World War U”
We were caught in a cycle. She would manipulate me, which I allowed her to do. But then I’d get mad at her for manipulating me. Then she’d be angry because I was upset so she’d manipulate me more which I let her do causing me to … well, the cycle never ended. I’d retreat to avoid the conflict and she’d attack me for retreating which would cause me to retreat even further. That cycle didn’t end either. Who started the fight? No idea, she probably blames me. For me, I feared her entrance. This song asks, “Tell me what you came here for. To start another world war?” I got that feeling often. Yet at the end of every fight, whether it was reality or not, she made me feel like another line from there song, “You’re the good girl, I’m the bad guy.”
Hoobastank: “Never There”
Bekah asked for a separation in August but in reality, she left me several months before then. At the beginning of the year, we made an agreement to let her study outside the home. She was in college at the time, and the kids were always distracting her, even when I was home. In theory, she was to go to her mom’s house or a friend’s to get her school work done. At first, she would leave when I got home from work and be gone for a couple hours. Then a couple hours grew into the entire evening, returning after the kids were in bed. Soon, she started leaving on Saturdays as soon as she was out of bed and be gone all day. Then Sundays too. And the hour she returned home started getting later and later, often after midnight. I kept telling myself it was only for a couple months, long enough to get through the school year. Yet when school was over, she still left every day as soon as I was home from work during the week or as soon as she was out of bed on weekends. When the dudes from Hoobastank sing “You were supposed to be the closest thing to being me but your furthest away,” I understand exactly what they mean.
Candlebox: “Far Behind”
A broken relationship involves two people. Rarely is all of fault on the shoulders of one individual. This Candlebox song walks the wire between owning your own faults “Now maybe I didn't mean to treat you bad but I did it anyway” and blame “Shame you left my life so soon you should have told me, but you left me far behind.” As my marriage fell apart, I couldn’t control my partner. My only choice was to accept the role I played in our demise. Like the song says, “maybe I could have made my own mistakes but I live with what I've known.”
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