What It’s Like to Be Me: All Falls Apart Pt 2, Confronting the Inevitable

My oldest son started asking questions a couple months after Bekah asked for a legal separation. At the time, she had not yet filed for divorce and I was under the illusion she wanted to restore our relationship. Christian and I stood in a parking lot waiting to pick up his sister when he asked about our holiday plans. He wanted to know if we’d spend Thanksgiving together. And what about Christmas? I explained I would be present for as much as his mom allowed and we’d still celebrate even if it wasn’t as a whole family. Then he asked, “Do you still love Mom?” I provided an affirmative answer: yes, I did. His reply stunned me and broke my heart. “I don’t think Mom loves you anymore.” 

 When Bekah asked for legal separation, she told me she thought it was the only way to save our marriage. Looking back, it’s obvious she never had any intention of reunification. Those months between the filing of legal separation of divorce were painful as I did everything I could think of to prevent the inevitable. 

The Fray: “Break Your Plans”  

A pastor told me I needed to grieve divorce much like someone would grieve a death. However, with death you know the reason for your grief even if it seems to come too soon. But when a marriage ends, you don’t always know why. There was (to my knowledge) no infidelity. No domestic violence. No addiction or substance abuse. Bekah’s choice to leave was one I couldn’t comprehend. This is the bewilderment The Fray expresses as they beg an ex-lover to break their plans and stay. “I wish I had cheated. At least that's a reason I'd understand why you're leaving now.” Later they ask, “How do you move on so fast?” Just like this song, I was hoping for a happy ending when a happy ending as no longer an option.

The Script: “For the First Time”  

The first time I heard this song, it didn’t faze me. I’d hear lines like, “And we don't know how we got into this mad situation, only doing things out of frustration,” or, “But we both know how we're gonna make it work when it hurts when you pick yourself up you get kicked to the dirt,” but they were meaningless to me. Just catchy lines from a talented songwriter. Three years after the song was originally released, I was driving home from work for the first time after Bekah left me when this song came on the radio. By the time the chorus started, “Trying to make it work but man these times are hard,” the whole song suddenly made sense to me and I was in tears by the time I got home.

Tenth Avenue North: “Worn” 

Broken relationships are exhausting. With my melancholic disposition, happiness takes effort. I have to work hard to not appear bummed out all the time and the stresses of marital conflict seemed to add to the pressure of keeping up appearances. At some point, I just ran out of energy. When “Worn” got popular on Christian radio, every word of this song could have described my physical and emotional state. “I'm tired, I'm worn, my heart is heavy from the work it takes to keep on breathing. I've made mistakes, I've let my hope fail. My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world.” Emotional strain translates into physical decay. At the end of every day I was tired. Or as the song says, “I’m worn.”

Casting Crowns: “Broken Together” 

 When Bekah and I looked at our marriage, we saw two different things. It often seemed like she was looking at all she wished we had been while I was looking at all I wished we could be. Mark Hall of Casting Crowns captured this dichotomy, first looking to the disappointed spouse, “What do you think about when you look at me? I know we're not the fairy tale you dreamed we'd be.” Then looking at himself, “How I wish we could go back to simpler times before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light.” The reality was we were both broken people. All I wanted was to keep our family together, a goal that could only be accomplished if both parties were working together.

O.A.R.: “Shattered” 

 He sang “But I’m good without you.” I had to tell myself those words over and over even if I didn’t believe it. Because he also sang “It’s always back to you.” Was it codependency? Was it a side effect of gaslighting? Was it a self effacing and sacrificial desire to do anything to keep my family together? Was it giving into the constant criticism and harassment from Bekah’s friends or her attempts to micromanage my life post-separation? Was it the fallout from multiple threats, false accusations, and unfounded calls to the police? I don’t know. But whatever it was, I related to the question at the beginning of the chorus, “How many times can I break till I shatter?”