In the end, I’m happier and healthier now than I ever was when we were together. It took a while for me to fully understand this gift though. The fallout from her original filing was devastating. These songs represent my emotional state in immediate aftermath of becoming a new divorcee.
Lifehouse: “Sick Cycle Carousel”
Grief pairs well with shame. My gut level reaction reflected in these opening lyrics, “If shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine.” While this song met my emotional state, it also provided the advice I needed to move on, “Keep spinning around, I know that it won't stop ‘til I step down from this for good.”
Mumford & Sons: “Little Lion Man”
The vulgarity of this song’s chorus is a punch to my gut. “I really fucked it up this time, didn’t I my dear?” My good sensible Christian inner-child blushes at the frequent f-bombs, yet I can’t help but recognize the raw emotion as my own. When Bekah said she wanted a divorce, she told me I had done unforgivable things, although she’s never disclosed what those things are. With such an accusation, how could I not feel like I was the one who fucked things up?
Rob Thomas: “This Is How a Heart Breaks”
Rob spices his tale of heartbreak with manic energy and a relentless pace. Words like “Life is like a mean machine it made a mess out of me” would normally feel laden with sorrow but this song is so eager it doesn’t give you much room to contemplate the weight of the lyrics. Similarly, the frantic pace of life didn’t give me much time to ponder my existence post-divorce. I could feel the brutal sadness of what was happening inside me but didn’t have the time to process it. I felt like I was out of breath all the time while singing like “this is it now, everybody get down, this is all I can take, this is how a heart breaks.
The Prayer Chain: “Grylliade”
Eric Campuzano, The Prayer Chain’s primary lyricist captured my emotional state better than I ever could have on my own. “You've pushed me all around, and now I've had my fill there's nothing left for me to say.” Yeah, I knew how that felt. “I feel like the grylliade, two inches tall or nothing at all.” Been there too. Word for word, no other song explains my attitude after my marriage ended better than this.
Everclear: “Wonderful”
Art Alexakis grew up as the son of divorced parents. When he and his ex-wife split, he wrote this song for his daughter, sharing his experience with hers. “Promises mean everything when you're little and the world is so big, I just don't understand how you can smile with all those tears in your eyes.” I don’t have the ability to feel the way my kids feel, so this song helps me see things from their perspective, “I don't want to hear you say that I will understand someday.”
Staind: “Home”
For every cause, there is an effect. In this song, Aaron Lewis sings of the effect first, “Today just fell apart like everything, right in my face,” before explaining the cause, “I try so hard to be, everything that I should never take away from you again.” And that’s what it was for me for a long time, trying to be everything just to see it fall apart.
Breathe Carolina: “Shots Fired”
If divorce is war, I was outgunned and under siege. I was constantly protecting myself or playing retreat. “You said some things that you can't take back. I know where it's going when you look like that. You can see what you started, and you still want more. You sure you want a war? Shots fired.” Even after the end, I still lived in a defensive mode.
Buckcherry: “Sorry”
Josh Todd penned this tale of blame and regret with the desire stay together. I didn’t share his desire for unity, but I understood how he internalized the guilt. I found solace in his lyrics, “This time, I think I'm to blame. It's harder to get through the days. You get older and blame turns to shame. Cause everything inside, it never comes out right.”
Hoobastank: “Good Enough”
The last words she told me before leaving haunted me. It's an expected reaction when you’re told your best will never be good enough, especially if you (like me) spent a lifetime fearing insignificance. Hearing this song was a reminder I wasn’t alone. “Still after all I gave it's not enough for you. Well, I can't give any more.” I’m not the only one.
The Fray: “Heartless”
This was a Kanye song, then The Fray made it more earnest and turned it into something you might hear played in a coffee shop. There’s a little extra heartbreak when they sing, “Somewhere far along this road he lost his soul to a woman so heartless.” While I tended to my emotional wounds, I found one of the most supportive groups of friends I’ve ever had. When this song comes on, there’s a line I sing along with conviction because of the truth behind it: “You got a new friend, I got homies.”
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