Answering life's ultimate questions (the answer is 42)

My friend Sarah posted a list of random questions on her blog that many of us have seen before. These questions have been circulated through e-mail for years and is now making it's rounds on MySpace. They are the so called "unanswerable" questions. I will now do my best to answer them.


Can you cry under water? Crying under water is possible... if you wear goggles.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? If you're important enough that everyone knows your name - then it's an assassination. If they mention your name on the news and people ask "who's that?" - it's murder.

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? You're thoughts are worth a penny. When you put in your two cents I keep the extra penny. It's my plan to get rich.

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? I'm pretty sure we'll all be naked in Heaven. That's how we arrived on earth, I'm confident that's how we'll depart.

Why does a round pizza come in a square box? Have you ever tried to make a round box? Not worth the effort. But they are making square pizzas these days!

What disease did cured ham actually have? That questions is severely misleading. It assumes that the pig was sick. Cured ham was cured of living like a pig.

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Space travel versus rolling luggage --- what sounds cooler? We beat the Russians to the moon - that's an accomplishment. Who put wheels on luggage first? Us, or the Russians? Who cares! Now, if it was self-propelled luggage... THAT would be cool.

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two to three hours? I wake up every two to three hours... does that mean I sleep like a baby?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? It's called a signing.

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? There used to be a customer who frequently called DirecTV customer service, complaining about people inside her TV. She claimed that they were trying to kill her. I guess I'm trying to say that being on TV just makes more sense. If there is someone in your TV, you might need to see a mental health specialist.

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Tall buildings... money... binoculars... It's all about perspective. That's why Google is using satellite technology to view our world. Some one paid a lot of money to be able to read your license plate from high earth orbit.

Why do doctors leave the room while you change when they're eventually going to see you naked? Because the only thing more humiliating than the doctor's examination is stripping first. Now turn your head and cough.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? I think the answer to this question is one of the great secrets women are hiding from us guys. Kind of like why women go to the restroom in groups.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? No matter how light the setting, left in long enough - anyone can burn toast.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? I care more about about the corn that Jimmy cracked than Fergie's humps. Her humps, her humps, her humps. Her lovely lady lumps. That didn't stop the Black Eyed Peas from writing a song about all that junk up in her trunk.

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? Would you want to be the officer that pulls over a hearse carrying a corpse driving in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Every time the professor fixed the boat, their chances of escape was secretly sabotaged by one of the other castaways. Yet, he fears that he might have to start using a wheelchair again if he leaves the island.The island has strange thermodynamic and electromagnetic properties that the professor can not describe with science, so he has faith that the castaways were all brought to the island for a reason. The professor also found a mysterious hatch that fascinated him and distracted him from escaping the island, and it almost broke his sanity. Many people think he may have gone completely batty, because he has become ruthless and aggressive since being shot and left for dead. Now, the professor spends his time trying to discover his purpose while protecting Gilligan from the Others and outsiders whom he believes will kill everyone on the island. Oh, wait... wrong show.

If they're both dogs, why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? At one time, all dogs walked erect. But the forces of nature made it more beneficial for dogs to walk on all fours. Survival of the fittest reigns supreme. Pluto is a more highly evolved dog. Goofy's kind must adapt or they will become extinct.

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? Wile E. Coyote like his toys. Why do people build their own house when they could just buy one? Wile E.'s obsession with ACME is the same concept. The joy is in the process - the pursuit.

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? From the oily extract of Babiana Absinthifoili Multiradiata, AKA: Baby Flowers.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Of course morality comes from morons. They let us know what NOT to do. Remember, if you build a fool-proof device, they build a better fool. See my answer about burnt toast as an example.

Does the Alphabet Song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Can Amazing Grace be sung to the tune of Gilligan's Island?

Why did you just try singing the Alphabet Song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star? For the same reason you're humming the theme to Gilligan's Island.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? Could you imagine a baseball team called the Houston Hemorrhos? Not a pretty sight. Really, the astronomers who first dubbed the term "asteroid" had our best interests in mind.

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Are you kidding? My dog tries to jump out the car window. One time, the only thing that saved poor Psuchen's life was his leash. And Psuchen doesn't mind it when you blow on his face; it tickles him. Then again, my dog is retarded, so my experiences may be a bit abnormal.


Well, there you have it Sarah. Everything you ever wanted to know (and some things you didn't).

***Bonus points for anyone who noticed the most cheeky pop culture references!***