toilet paper

There is a business man sitting in an airport bathroom stall. The airplane food (if you can call it food) is going through him like bulls running in the San Fermin Fiesta in Pamplona Spain. His bowels are suffering from a bad food reaction, his fear of flying, and an even greater fear mid-flight porta-potties.

Knowing he might be there a while, he cracks open his laptop and connects it to the airport's wi-fi. While he's occupying the porcelain throne, he might as well keep himself occupied and get some business work done - killing two birds with one flush.

As he reaches the end of his digestive cleansing, he makes a horrifying discovery: the toilet paper dispenser has been emptied of it's needed supply of Charmin Ultra Soft.

The business man makes a panicked search for a suitable TP substitute, rummaging through his carry on luggage which he happened to bring with him into the stall. (Remember - you are not to leave any luggage unattended at any time in any airport.) The closest thing to toilet paper to be found is a Stephen King paperback purchased in an airport gift shop before boarding the flight with lactulose-laced trail mix. He declines using the novel for two reasons: he's only read a few chapters (it's a really hot summer in Castle Rock and Cujo just killed Gary the drunk - he can't wait to find out what will happen to Joe Camber!). The other deterrent is a superstitious feeling that using the pages of Cujo as rear end relief could invoke a hideous poop-monster worthy of Stephen King's macabre imagination.

He continues to dig through his man-purse - finding nothing helpful. An iPod, deodorant, a toothbrush (but no toothpaste thanks to airport security), a Nintendo DS he "borrowed" from his 12 year old son... all hope seems lost.

Years ago he would have tapped his foot to gain the attention of the person in the neighboring stall, but a certain Idaho senator has exposed a social hierarchy of airport bathrooms that he with which he wishes not to become involved. Same for waving his hand under the dividing wall between the stalls. The only thing that could be more humiliating than enduring tread marks in his boxers while sharing a taxi ride with his boss would be an airport bathroom arrest for solicitation or lewd conduct.

Nearing desperation, the business man notices a new message in his Outlook inbox. It is from a coworker with the subject "HAHA - Funny." He opens the email and clicks on the link provided: papertoilet.com.

At first he thinks it is a vicious insult. But as he falls prey to a dehydrated stupor and paranoid delusions, he begins to see the link as a godsend. Or creative alternative.