My 2010 predictions

January - The American Academy of Arts & Sciences will announce the prevalent lesson learned from James Cameron’s epic Avatar. Even 144 years in the future we do not have universal health care.

February – Al Gore will claim he invented Valentine’s Day. Shortly after his proclamation, Al and his wife commit another awkward public display of affection.

March - In the ongoing battle over right to life versus right to choose, the state of South Dakota will make it illegal to be Tom Daschle.

April - NASA will discover Spencer Pratt’s ego can be seen from space.

May - LOST creator and Star Trek director J.J. Abrams will receive hundreds of stuffed polar bears from LOST fans who do not want the series to end. In the series finale, Jorge Garcia’s character, Hurley, chants “four more years!” giving enthusiasts hope that the series may continue.

June - Lady Gaga will admit she’s not a she.

July - God will send a prophet to Washington DC to speak out against the government. Congress will laugh at him (or her). The earth will then open up and swallow the capital building.

August - President Obama will go Pentecostal. He vows to veto any bill that has not been sanctified. He will also announce his intentions to run in 2012 as the Republican candidate for US President. Subsequently, Sarah Palin’s head will explode. When asked about Sarah’s cranial detonation, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin replies “I can see Alaska from here.”

September - Retail stores will begin playing Christmas music the day after Labor Day.

October - Chuck Norris will release a Christmas album. Songs include A Roundhouse Kick for Rudolph (How He got His Red Nose), Frosty: Arctic Ranger, and I Gave Jesus the Gift of Beard. Chuck will then announce CBS's plans to revive his hit show Walker, Texas Ranger. CBS is not aware of those plans but they conceed to Chuck's wishes out of fear of his left and right fists.

November - Florida’s ballot initiative to secede from the Union will be passed. Perplexed Florida residents declare they did not vote to become an independent nation and claim the ballot was ambiguous. They thought they were voting for immigration reform. A massive recount will follow.

December - On the 20th anniversary of John Lennon’s death, Paul McCartney announces The Beatles will be reuniting for a world tour. When told that it would be impossible for The Beatles to get back together because Lennon and Harrison are not alive, Paul responds “The Rolling Stones have been dead for years and they continue to tour. If they can do it, why can’t we?”