Searching for significance

Do you remember how big your world appeared when you were a little kid? Your house was a huge space ripe for exploration. You had to use a stool to reach the kitchen counter and the cabinets were hopelessly out of reach. The couch was a monstrosity that could swallow you whole. Everything seemed massive. But now that you are older, those huge properties no longer seem so big. The same house is confining. The kitchen cabinets are eye-level and you could sit on the counter with ease. And that couch isn’t even a couch – it is a tiny threadbare loveseat that only swallows loose change.

That is the analogy I gave my boss when he asked how comfortable I was feeling with some new responsibilities added to my job description. I was like a little boy lost in a big world - sure that world would shrink as I grew.

I sometimes feel like that with life and this blog and trying to get back in shape and relating to my kids and… I am a little kid lost in a gigantic universe. If only I was as big as I should be. If only I would grow up the way I think it should happen, like that song by Garbage: “When I grow up I’ll be stable.”

Why do I feel this way? It could be a symptom of my melancholic disposition. Or it could be human nature. I can’t pretend I know the root cause, but I know the end result is an overwhelming feeling of insignificance.

Do you ever feel like this? Like you are not living up to the full purpose of why you are on this planet. Like you should be doing something (anything) more than your current engagement. I don’t know about you; I don’t know what life has dumped on your plate. But that searching for significance is a constant in my life.

There is a fierce battle between this strange dichotomy of who I am and who I want to be, and a never-ending reconciliation between who I want to be and who God wants me to be. So if you bear with me for a little, I need to be brutally honest. I am going to be like Snoop Dogg and drop it like it’s hot. This might take a while so go grab yourself a cup of coffee, and sip it like it’s hot.

Moving on.

If you are like me and struggling with meaning and purpose, keep reading. I want to share with you a few areas from my life that I am working through. Possibly you see something that gives you hope for your corner of the world. Or maybe you can shed some light in mine. These are the ways I’m searching for significance.


a) Being a better father. I am sure that most parents feel woefully under-prepared to take care of the miniature people placed in their lives. As Christian approaches his sixth birthday, I still feel like I don’t know what I am doing. But here is what I do know.

1) Christian is bewilderingly intelligent. In many ways he could be my clone but in other ways I know he is more imaginative and capable of so much more than I was at his age. But he is also a bit odd. He could tell you the difference between an otter and a seal, he can differentiate empire penguins and macaroni penguins, he can identify a wide spectrum of the animal kingdom, but he cannot find his way home while out on an evening walk. He will obsessively color “projects” and build “contraptions” with Legos for hours, but is lost when telling you what happened at school that day. He is a stickler for rules and has a heightened sense of justice, but he falls apart when it is time for bed. He is smarter than many of his peers and is delightful and (usually) well mannered. But he is not a normal kid. Every day I observe him enacting some bizarre behaviors that defy explanation.

2) Zu is kind-hearted and full of surprises. For a while, I thought she would not be the brightest kid in class, but would get away with far too much because she’s cute. But she is proving me wrong at the age of two (almost but not quite three). She is expressive and vocal and aware of much more than what is expected of kids her age. She tested to be on par with kids a year older in language and communication. Unfortunately, that same test put her social and emotional skills as someone half her age. While she demonstrates a great ability to show compassion, she has trouble regulation her emotions. She is cute though. In fact, she’s beautiful. If you were allergic to adorable, her mere presence would make you break out in hives.

3) JJ is a fighter. In his short time on earth, he has had more hospitalizations than should ever be inflicted on someone so young. I speculate how long it will be before he permanently relates doctors to needles, tubes, and beeping noises. Yet he is sitting in the middle of the living room with a devious grin on his face that says he either has something in his mouth that does not belong there or has just filled his diaper with a foul and sticky substance. He is almost oblivious to the trauma that his body has been through.

My three kids are a miracle in their own unique way. It’s been six (ish) years since Bekah first told me she was pregnant. For the past six years, I’ve asked myself on a (nearly) daily basis ‘what did I get myself into?’ I know I’m a good dad, but that knowledge is often forgotten as I wonder what I am doing wrong. I want to be the kind of dad that my kids crave hanging out with and bring their friends around, but now I’m unsure how adept my kids are going to be in the social realm. I want to be the kind of dad that helps them with their homework, but I think they might not need my help. I want to be the kind of dad that laughs with my children but I often find myself laughing at them.

b) Being a better writer. I blog. If you are reading this, that fact should be obvious. But underneath the surface there is much more that you won’t notice at first glance.

1) I am not exactly sure what I’m doing. Blogging is not an exact science. I’m a few months shy of my fifth blogiversary, and this is still what I would consider a low-traffic blog (500-800 visits in an average month). And to be completely honest, I am not entirely sure what I’m trying to accomplish. In my first post ever, I stated my purpose was to amuse people with the random thoughts of a father and husband. Five years later, I’m not sure how amusing I’ve been. I have ruffled a few feathers, and I have made a few people laugh. But is that still what I’m trying to do? Is there any coherent reason to keep going? If I were to write instructions on how to be a successful blogger, step one would be ‘Don’t be named Nic Casey.’ Step two would be ‘If you figure it out, let me know.’

2) This blog is another fight between who I am and who I want to be. I want to be a blogger like Defective Yeti or Jon Acuff – full of snarky goodness, self-referential inside humor, and shameless pop-culture references. Not only are these guys exceptionally talented, they are infinitely funnier than I (much in a manner that The Office is funnier than pet dander). When judging the direction I want to steer this blog I keep that thought in mind, as I want to be hip and hilarious and write thought provoking/gut busting relevant posts that attract hundreds of comments. But I know that I am funnier when I don’t try, and a purposeful sustained attempt at comedy or satire would fail. I also know that this blog is the only way that some of my friends and family keep up to date with what is happening in the Casey household. While my passion is to explorer the strange intersection between faith and pop culture and I desperately want to pursue that topic in my writing, I also want to keep my far flung relatives in the loop. That is a balancing act I have yet to get right. If all else fails - at worst - I’m leaving a record of my identity for my kids. When I am no longer a living resident of Earth, this may be the best evidence of who I was and what made me tick that I can give my kids. If that is all I accomplish here, is that such a bad thing?

c) Being a better person. That longing might sound contrived. Who doesn’t wish they were a better person? But this is probably the area that I most often fail. Try as I might, there are days where I am not a better person than the day before. Some days are stagnant, and others are a clear step backwards. I wear too many hats, and often find myself fighting self imposed contradictions.

1) I’m a data analyst that sucks at math. I will admit it, mathematics are not my forte. But I love my job. Thankfully, Excel does most of the calculating for me. All I have to do is get creative and be able to explain what the numbers mean. Yet, as much as I enjoy what I do, I cannot believe that this is what I am destined to do until I retire. Maybe it is. Maybe not. I work for a good company, and the job has been a blessing for me since I moved to Coeur d’Alene. I want to succeed there, yet I yearn to do something different.

2) In case you were wondering, I’m a bit pudgier than I used to be. I need to lose some weight, but I hate exercising and I like food. I also want to slim back down to (or at least close to) my pre-kids weight. I need to get healthy. So, I have made some changes to my diet, and (begrudgingly) started exercising with some measure of consistency. But it’s not working. I’m tired, I hurt, and I can’t drop below 200 pounds. It’s like an invisible wall mocking my feeble efforts to live a healthier lifestyle.


All of this. It seems so big. And I’m just one insignificant figure lost inside that immense world. I want to be a cool dad, but that is the couch that swallows me. I want to be a popular writer, but those are the cabinets that I can’t reach. I want a change, but that’s the big house I will never completely explorer.

In my quest for significance, I find comfort in one thing. God has big plans for me. Before I continue let me clarify two things: 1) I’m not intending that idea to sound megalomaniacal. I’m not proposing any delusions of grandeur. This is not me saying that I could be a gold medalist if being smug was an Olympic sport. While I believe that God has big plans for me, I also believe that God has big plans for all of you. 2) If you don’t believe in God, I want you to understand one objective – if you are feeling any quantity of insignificance, you’re not alone. Don’t let that feeling burden you. I hope you search out your value like I have. It’s worth the fight.

But back to my observation: God has big plans for me. Here’s the comfort in that revelation. God doesn’t need me to be skinny. He doesn’t need me to be a good dad. He doesn’t need me to be a best-selling author. In fact, He doesn’t really need me. But He wants me to be a good dad. He wants me to find significance in my writing, my work, and my health.

The problem isn’t that I’m insignificant. My failure is that I’m measuring wrong.

Significance isn’t having a good job; it is doing my job well.
Significance isn’t how my kids treat me; it is how I treat my kids.
Significance isn’t drawing hundreds of readers to my blog; it is being found by the one person who needs to read it.
Significance isn’t being hip; it is being there.
Significance isn’t having all of the answers; it is looking for the answers.


Am I an expert at finding significance? No. If I was, I wouldn’t be writing this post. This is a lesson I am forcing myself to learn.

Face, meet Palm

“Nic, I’ve got a problem. My computer keeps telling me that I need to restart it.”
“Well, have you?”
“Have I what?”
“Restarted your computer.”
“No…”
“You might want to try that.”

Random Thought of the Day

I'm beginning to think that Nintendo and Macintosh are diametric companies.

Nintendo focuses on social technologies. Wii, Wiimotes, WiiFit, WiiPlay, WiiSports. The naming structure is built on "WE." Their attention is on cooperation. By nature, the Wii is a group experience. It is designed to be a shared entertainment.

Macintosh focuses on anti-social technologies. iMac, iPod, iPad, iPhone, iDaho. The naming structure is built on "I."Their attention is on self. By nature, Macs are an individual experience. It is designed to be a narcissistic entertainment.

NUMB3R5, d474, bR41N5

My boss gave me a special project a couple of days ago. As I sat with him and his boss in their office, they detailed the specifics of what data they’re looking for and how they want it formatted. In all of those instructions they made it sound complex and time consuming. My boss’s boss told me that he didn’t want me to work late that day and that I could pick up where I left off the next morning.

I went back to my desk and begin to sort through pages and pages of work orders and spreadsheets filled with historical data. If I’m being honest, I must say that I was a slightly intimidated – like a wounded rabbit invited to a tea party with a pack of wolves.

Open Excel, format my table, begin my research, analyze the trends. A half hour later, my work was completed. It was as easy as slicing jello with a steak knife. No scary monsters lurking in the volumes of data. No fatal errors. No blue screen of death. I saved my spreadsheet and sent the attachment to my boss and his boss with the following message: “Done, let me know if you need me to tweak anything.”

Minutes later, I passed by my superior in our lobby.

“Is it done?” he asked.

I nodded my head.

“All ready?”

“Either I’m missing something or it was easier than you made it sound.” I replied.

My boss gazed into nothingness with a vacant expression on his face. Silence. Awkward silence. Finally, he responded, “No, I guess that was pretty easy. Ready to start forecasting?”

No, my day was almost done. And I still had much (normal routine) left to accomplish. Forecasting became my project for the next day (yesterday).

Forecasting was the scary monster. The beast. If data mining and trend analysis was effortless like drinking coffee through a straw, predicting a new forecast was like sucking calamari through a straw.

I started with a week by week comparison of the past couple months to the year previous to predict next month. That didn’t work. Then I tried forecasting on six month historical average volume modified by the six month average percentage of change. Then the six month historical average volume modified by the six month average percentage of change modified by two year historical seasonal changes. Then the six month historical average volume modified by the six month percentage of change averaged with the two year historical seasonal changes. Then I tried weighted averages. And modified weighted averages.

I was trying to forecast the previous four months (pretending I did not know how we performed over the last four months) to test the accuracy of my formulas before applying that estimation to the next 90 days. After all was said and done, I had seven different methods to calculate forecasts giving me 28 different guestimations* to check against actual performance.

And I found one model that worked… with a 2% to 10% margin of error (my boss strives for 80% accuracy).

So I deleted all of the failed equations, applied the working prediction to the next three months, cleaned up the spreadsheet, and forwarded it to my boss and his boss so that they could include it in a report they were sending to our corporate office.

When asked how I came up with the forecast, I gave my boss’s boss the best description I could think of in that moment.

“I used a super-ghetto weighted average.” Knowing my forecast was going to be scrutinized by our CEO and other top level executives, that probably was not the best way to depict my methods. But, at least I was honest.


Last night I dreamed of immense numbers, outlying figures, mystifying data, and intricate formulas… all inside a crystal ball.



* guestimation: (noun) An educated guess. A combination of a guess and an estimation. See also guestimate, guestimating, guestimator, and guestimated.

Best E-mail Subject Line Ever

Simplicity at it's best.. take a breather and watch paperclips fly, we are going to address the situation and avoid dolphins eating tuna cans while watching Lost.

deprived

A few weeks ago, the motherboard on our POS Dell went kaput. Upon returning from Schweitzer last week end, our laptop would no longer charge; the power supply had issues. We're still awaiting replacement for the desktop, but after a week with no working computer at home - the laptop has returned.

I am feeling internet deprived. Is that normal? I have internet access at work, but - generally speaking - I am there to work. Even if I went in outside of my normal hours, the two sites I use the most (blogger & myspace) are blocked by my office's security settings.

Oh well, all is good now. The laptop is working, and I was able to keep up with HBO during the interim.

Why didn't I think of this?

I'm just waiting for the day when Christian is old enough to help me play a prank at Best Lie... I uh... I mean Best Buy.

Inside the doors of every Best Buy there are little gates that count every person that walks into the store. The general idea is to take that number and divide it by the number of transactions to get a number called "conversion." Conversion is one of the many statistics the corporate people at Best Lie... sorry, Best Buy uses to measure how well a store is doing.

It is not an exact science for several reasons. Some customers separate their purchases into separate transactions, possibly to help keep finances in order; i.e. business supplies and personal amenities. Employees also walk through those gates when they go outside to smoke or run somewhere for lunch. If employees do not go elsewhere for lunch, they often buy sodas and snacks from the front register. While this helps out their conversion it also lowers one of the other metrics they have to meet, average transaction.

Average transaction is determined by adding up to total of all receipts then dividing that by the number of transactions made during the day. The more money spent on purchases made during the day the higher the average transaction. Best L... Buy drives up this number by selling you crap that you don't need. Management teaches their employees to lie and deceive to get those "add-ons" into every large sale.

For example: the Sunday add has a cheap worthless little E-Machines package for $399.99 (after rebates). It seems like a good deal, you get the computer tower, monitor, and a printer for one low price. But the goal of every employee (or at least that employee's supervisor) is to take that sale and add in at least three of the following products: a service plan (there are separate plans for the CPU, monitor, and printer... ideally you get all three), backup battery or power supply (the bigger the better, a simple power strip won't do), blank CD's for the CD-R, extra ink (the ones included with the printer are only half full), regular paper (preferably bright white... it's the most expensive), photo paper (because the printer is a color printer), a USB cord not included with the printer (and the one with gold tips cause it's better!), internet services (why get a computer if you can't use the internet), extra virus protection, and new software or games to keep you entertained (and Microsoft Office would be a great suggestion for an additional $399.99). By the time they're done with you, you're spending close to $1,800 if not more. Then they suggest great deals on digital cameras. Once at the registers they hit you up for magazine and other subscription services (or d-subs). If the sales person was not successful in selling the service plans, some managers require that person to page a manager to the front to further push the service plan. This method of sales has angered many customers and employees. Just check out this website. (ed. note: the Best Buy Sux website has been shut down (presumably by Best Buy) and replaced with Best Buy advertising. If it was still in operation, you would have found countless stories from jilted customers and disgruntled former and current employees)

If the store is above target for average transaction but short of their conversion goal, management encourages employees to make small purchases. But if they are under goal for average transaction, small employee purchases are discouraged. Obviously, the cost of a soda and a bag of Skittles is drastically lower than that of a High Definition plasma television and could significantly lower the average transaction.

Anyways, back to conversion. One other thing that prevents this statistic from being truly accurate is the customer who exits and reenters the store. This happens often. They're returning shopping carts or left their credit card in their car or whatever. It is this concept that I want to exploit with the help Christian. Although, I've got to wait till he's taller.

First, we'll enter the store, counted as two people. Then, while shopping, I'll whisper to him "run through those gates." And as he runs out the door, I'll go chase him down like any good father would, also passing through the gate. We will then go back into the store, passing through the gates now counted as six people. Once inside the store I will fake scold him so not to raise suspicion of the LP person standing by the door. I'll say something like "Christian, I am only pretending to scold you. Even though I look stern, you are not in trouble. But I want you to look sheepish so that that nice people in the blue shirts think you are in trouble. Do you understand?" He'll nod his head and I'll say "Good. Now go run through the gates again." We will repeat this process many times and will eventually buy nothing. If we do buy something it will be a CD or DVD and only if it is on sale.

As much fun as I imagine that activity will be, it pales in comparison to this prank.

I so wish I was there.

And for more Best Buy reading enjoyment that is totally off the subject, check out this site.

Costello buys a computer from Abbott

The posting this following sketch is for my father-in-law, IT guru and perpetual computer junkie. I'm not sure who wrote it, but it is quite funny, and being a former computer salesman, this is a conversation I could easily imagine happening.

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".......