Rules for Karaoke

Under normal circumstances, I have a moral objection to karaoke. I'm convinced that karaoke might be a Japanese word meaning 'people who think they can sing like angels, but sound like circus seals.' However, with extended family visiting from out of town, I was hoodwinked into going out with the cousins.

Did I sing? No. At least not with a microphone in my hand. While my general distaste for karaoke would prevent me from stepping up to the mic, it does not void my ability to sing along as a member of the audience.

This is the first time I've gone to a karaoke bar. There was one time that Jeff and I were eating in a Denny's and over heard some Japanese business men singing from an adjoining pub (one who was performing a hilarious rendition of I'm Too Sexy). But that was more of witness by proxy, not actual attendance. Now, during my first true karaoke experience, I made a few observations. I've compiled those musings into a list of rules. These are rules that I think should be applied to anyone singing karaoke.

1. For all intents and purposes, Stairway to Heaven is the song that never ends.
2. Sane for Hey Jude.
3. Rockin’ Robin is a bad song choice when you are intoxicated.
4. If you unintentionally change the lyrics of Don’t Take the Girl to Don’t Take the Squirrel, you had too much to drink. Please take a cab home.
5. If your voice sounds like a tranquilized Fozzie Bear, you should not be singing karaoke. However, people will still cheer you on.
6. Don’t sing serious songs.
7. Singing as a duet or group is a great idea. The other voices mask any flaws in your own voice.
8. When the majority of song choices have been in the country and classic rock genres, Filter’s Hey Man Nice Shot or anything by Rob Zombie would be considered odd picks. You might think it’s a good idea, but it’s not. Trust me ... it’s not.
9. Do not ever shout the words “I rock” during the instrumental break. Especially when singing a country song. Especially when the words “I rock” are the only two words that you didn’t slur.
10. If you sing a song by Hank Williams Jr, don’t be surprised if someone in the crowd mocks you.
11. Falsetto is not recommended.
12. Please, no Janis Joplin imitations ... if you’re a guy.
13. If your singing voice isn’t that great, it is always better to follow the “holy poo that was atrocious” guy than it is to sing after the “hey she’s kinda good” girl.

Did I miss any rules?

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