What It’s Like to Be Me: In the Beginning Pt 3, Trying My Best

Insecurity dominated my adolescent years. Those days were filled with fear and struggle and discovery. No matter how uncomfortable or out of place I felt, I couldn’t allow that pitiful feeling to control my life. At some point, I had to embrace the awkward.

Or at least I tried. Bullied and beat up, teased relentlessly, I tried my best to keep my head up. I did all I could to maintain my own sense of identity. Sometimes I succeeded, sometimes I failed miserably. Either way, I learned and moved on. I grew up. And along the way, little bits of my personality solidified. Notes of who I was could be found in the music playing on my Walkman, blaring through my headphones as my volume control was always set to the highest level possible.

Smashing Pumpkins: “Muzzle”
While trying to figure out who I was, Billy Corgan’s opening lyrics to “Muzzle” spoke one of my greatest worries: “I fear that I am ordinary just like everyone.” The song also balances an odd mix of cynicism and optimism I’ve seen manifest in my own outlook on life. One moment he sings of the dismal admission that nothing lasts forever, “all things must surely have to end, and great loves will one day have to part.” Then he takes on the expert arrogance common to many teenagers, “I knew exactly where I was and I knew the meaning of it all.”

Blindside: “Superman”
Blindside’s debut album is one of my all-time favorite records. This song struck a chord in my soul. I recently posted a story about its enduring significance in my life. You can read it HERE.

Grammatrain: “Humanity”
Growing up as the target of bullying and ostracization, I longed to exorcise these demons of abuse. I heard that desire echoed in this Grammatrain song, “no more monsters to live in my head.” I hoped for a day I could sing along with confidence, “all my tears that used to drench me have faded into blue.” Call it jaded. Call it cynical. Or some combination of the two. My experiences robbed me of any confidence in the goodness of humanity.

Pearl Jam: “I Got Id”
Eddie Vedder’s collaboration with Neil Young resulted in this visceral ode to unrequited love. As I repeatedly endured one romantic rejection after another and another, this song resonated with me. “I got memories, I got shit,” yeah, I know how that feels. This song was a cathartic release that helped me feel at peace with my unsuccessful teenaged dating life.

Guardian: “Sweet Mystery”
A song looking back at younger days rather than living them, Jamie Rowe sings of the mystery of how friends from his younger days still remain: “But after everything's been said and done I'm glad you are my friend.” He also recalls how much his family’s love meant to him at an age when he didn’t understand it: “Little boy that my momma knew became a full grown man. I live my life like you taught me to. You know I try the best I can.” There are very few people from my school days who I still consider friends. And I know I was not an easy child to raise. I feel all the feels when I hear this song these days.