Parenting isn’t easy. It is simultaneously the most difficult and most rewarding job I’ve ever held. No matter how hard you work at being a good dad, there are things for which you can’t prepare. Heartbreak is unavoidable, mistakes will be made, and life has a way of veering off course when you least expect it. The hope is to learn, and grow, and get better along the way. This set of songs reflects my efforts and errors as a father.
Sho Baraka: “Words, 2006”
Christian was always a bit quirky. After transitioning from a crib to a daybed, the toddler version of him piled all of his toys on the floor, climbed onto his bed and stood in a crucifix pose, leaned forward until he fell and belly-flopped into the pile of toys. Then he did it over and over again. He refused to eat pizza. What kind of kid doesn’t like pizza? Adults everywhere thought he was an amazing and well behaved kid, but he struggled to get along with other kids. And he would never make eye contact with people when he talked to them. His diagnosis of autism answered many lingering questions and explained all these quirky behaviors. It also opened an overstuffed box of challenges. Raising a kid on the spectrum takes all of the difficulties of parenting and turns it up to eleven. When I heard Sho Baraka share his story of parenting and autism, it wrecked me. He admitted “A child with special needs didn't fit in my plans,” a sentiment familiar to any dad raising a kid with autism.
The Swirling Eddies: “Pyro Sets a Wildfire”
One of the biggest causes of conflict in any relationship from friends to lovers is saying things you don’t mean. With kids, actions and statements can have long lasting unintended consequences. It’s the Steve Urkel dilemma: survey the chaos in your wake and ask, “Did I do that?” Mistaken, misinterpreted, misunderstood, intentions often don’t matter. This Swirling Eddies song states those intentions in the midst of blundering errors. “If played my role as diplomat, you knew it wasn’t just an act. I couldn’t stand to stand in back a faded little wallflower. I’ve maybe taken too much on, naïveté and youth is gone. But at least the juice is still turned on, I’m dancing on a live wire. I’ve summoned up a thunder cloud but I always meant to do you proud. Still, certain things are not allowed like setting off a wildfire.”
The Cure: “Why Can’t I Be You?”
Perception and reality are two different states. Between the kids’ mom and me, the perception was one of us was the parenting expert and the other was wrong about everything. I’ll let you guess which was which. In reality, I had voices outside the home telling me I was a good dad. I heard it from coworkers, pastors, my in-laws, extended family. However, their input was drowned out by the single critical voice telling me otherwise. Internally, I kept thinking something like this song: “You're so perfect you're so right as rain.” Because she was my wife, I was supposed to trust her. Why should I ever doubt her statement of facts? Even if those “facts” were telling me I was worthless. Now, as I listen to this song, I hear Robert Smith’s declaration of adoration and infatuation, but I also hear the dark underlining of someone suffering emotional abuse. “You're so wonderful too good to be true” often isn’t good or true.
A Rotterdam November: “Trainwreck”
I don’t believe anyone is ever really ready to become a parent until it happens. No matter how many books you read or classes you take, reality is much different than expectations. Even after your first kid is born, everything you thought you knew becomes irrelevant and parenting becomes a learning process. As a dad, I’ve constantly felt inadequately prepared – and often incapable. Even on my best days, I feel like a train wreck. So when the guys from A Rotterdam November sing “I could never promise I won't let you down, I won't give my word, you won't get hurt,” I’m reminded of my own inability to give my kids the lives I wish they had.
Underoath: “Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape”
More than anything, parents need grace. We need to receive it for the mistakes we made; we also need to give it for the mistakes our kids make. This is our job, to model this for our kids. The chorus of this Underoath is how I endeavor to be a dad: “Hey unfaithful I will teach you to be stronger. Hey ungraceful I will teach you to forgive one another. Hey unloving I will love you.”
Matisyahu: “Obstacles”
The first year that JJ was with us, his health was fragile. He was in and out of the hospital a dozen times eventually getting a surgery to help resolve his respiratory issues. Since then, he’s been our accident prone child. Almost had his pinky finger amputated the night before Easter when he was three. Broke a leg when a kid on a trike ran into him during preschool. Bit through his lip while learning to ride a bike. Wiped out on his scooter and skateboard more times than I can count. Christian and Chloe have their own obstacles too. Progress raising them has been chaotic. Like Matisyahu sang, “Take two steps forward, one step back, every time I get on track the light fades to black.” No matter what challenges we’ve faced, whether beyond our control or the result of my fumbling ways, the kids and I are in this together. "Me and you, you and me, I share my heart with you, you're my family.”
Donnie Trumpet & The Social Experiment: “Rememory”
Marital conflict took a toll and the strain I felt trying to hold it all together was killing me. I cannot describe the emotional turmoil anywhere near as well as this verse from Chance the Rapper, “Take a break when I break my leg, save the day when I take her hand and she break my heart and she take an arm and leg and the car and the kids.” Everything felt broken. By the time all three kids reached school age, I was suffering from depression, adrift and aimless at work and home. The only thing that mattered to me was the health and happiness of my kids. These days, they don’t remember the worst moments. Thankfully they were young enough to forget. Now they only recall the stories worth telling and retelling. But I remember.
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